An Open Letter to My Past Self

When I was fourteen, I didn't want to live past age twenty-one.

I rarely talk about this, especially not so bluntly or so publicly. But today, I felt like I needed to. Seven years ago, I didn't realize what I was feeling wasn't normal. I didn't know it was dangerous. Conversely, I also didn't know anybody else knew what I was feeling or could relate to it. I was torn between the fear that either nobody would understand what I was feeling and so if I opened up, they just wouldn't know what I was saying, and the fear that everybody felt this and it was normal, that feeling like I didn't want to keep living for much longer was a part of life everyone experienced and I just had to suffer through it. I honestly believe that if I didn't have my fiction to pile some of my feelings into, I would have had to face them directly, and might have ended up in a much darker and more dangerous place. 

When I was fourteen, I didn't want to keep living past age twenty-one because I couldn't imagine life as something I could enjoy. I couldn't find joy in anything anymore and I didn't think that would ever change.

But it did. It did change. I'm twenty-one now, and I'm so, so glad that I have many years still ahead of me. The life I once used to dread has become my greatest dream. I've rediscovered the joy that used to evade me constantly. Even with anxiety or caffeine making my heart race right now, sitting on the couch with a cuddly little kitty sleeping on my legs, a fuzzy blanket, a good thick fantasy book, and soft music playing? That's the good life. So, to my past self, I promise, it gets better. You won't be in that darkness forever. You will rediscover what it means to be happy. You won't always face the future with such dread. You will find joy again in the things that used to excite you. It won't always be easy, and in some ways, that darkness will always be with you, but you won't always be in the pitch-dark cave you're in now. You will find a way out into the soft twilight and the cool morning, the darkness just shadows lurking behind bushes and wrong turns on wooded paths. Here's the secret that will keep you going through the darkest night:

It gets better.

So don't give up because you think the rock-bottom you've hit will be the rest of your life. It won't. You will find solace in realizing that the thoughts you live with aren't normal, but they aren't unique either. A fictional character and an author that becomes one of your good friends will help you see that constantly hating yourself isn't normal or healthy but it is something you can walk out of, a pattern you can break. You'll leave the church and pastor that haunt you. You'll find grace in the God that never meant for you to beat yourself up with the Law you were never able to live up to, finally realize that sanctification doesn't mean you're a failure if you're not perfect now that you follow Jesus. Your crazy hormones will come under control, and while they will still mess with your head worse than they probably should, you'll be able to recognize that for what it is. Your health will come more under control, and for the days when it's not, at least you'll know you're not alone in that either. You'll make friends that won't drift away and desert you and be able to handle it when others do. One day, you'll be able to talk about this to others and you won't feel anymore the crushing weight of being alone.

If you're someone who feels like I felt seven years ago, just know that you're not alone. And that this darkness you're feeling isn't all you'll ever feel. It gets better. I won't lie and say that it's always easy, that I'm completely cured and the darkness is completely gone. I can't even say quantitatively what made it better because I don't really know. But life gets better. You will live and love and laugh and dream and you will find happiness again. And you will be so happy you're living to experience it all. Even the darkest times. Even the stress and the anxiety and the college classes that make you want to rip your hair out and the waitressing experiences that leave you in tears and the triggers that remind you of the darkness that still tries to take over sometimes. Because now that you've faced wishing you were no longer there to experience it all, every day that you do experience it is a gift you never thought you'd be glad to have.

And also, just know this: fiction can save lives. It sure saved mine.

All my best,

Addyson

(P.S.: the book series that saved my sanity and probably my life is just amazing and frankly everyone should go check it out right away and yes, I'm not ashamed to make this a post about mental health awareness and a book promo)

Also, if you're ever experiencing thoughts about ending your life or simply wishing it would end by natural causes, don't hesitate to call 988 immediately. Don't be afraid to get help.

Nothing I'm Not Worthy Of

   The Greatest Showman was a worldwide phenomenon two and a half years ago. Coming out at the same time as The Last Jedi, it was...way less disappointing. Now, my family and I didn't actually watch the movie until very recently when it came on TV. I was less than thrilled with the movie itself, but that's not what this post is about. Even before I watched the movie, even while it was still in theaters, I had heard the music (I heard "Rewrite the Stars" so much in Spotify commercials I still hate the song). I really like "A Million Dreams", and I'm pretty ambivalent about the others (they're fine to listen to, but I'm not wild about them). One of these songs is the triumphant anthem "This is Me", a song I actually like quite a bit. However, two lines of this song really put a bad taste in my mouth, especially in light of today's culture.

   "You know that I deserve your love/There's nothing I'm not worthy of!"

   On the surface, these lyrics may seem innocent. Look closer, though. As a Christian, we are told to hold all things accountable, and does this really hold up to the standard of the Bible?

   "You know that I deserve your love/There's nothing I'm not worthy of!"

   Spot the problem now? If not, let me point it out. We, as sinners, don't "deserve" anything but Hell and damnation. We certainly don't "deserve" to be loved by anyone. And, deep down, we all know there are plenty of things we are not worthy of.

   Now, come on, you're saying. That may all be true, but it's only two lines in an otherwise great song. And that's true. I'm not saying you should never listen to the song or refuse to watch The Greatest Showman again. However, troublesome things in movies shouldn't be ignored, either. If we don't talk about them and parse why this may not be acceptable, we may end up simply accepting it. And these lines are only indicative of a larger problem.

   Think again about the song. It's about outcasts in society refusing to accept being put down any longer and believing they are more than all the insults. Now, it does kind of bother me that this song is sung by the one person that grew up normal and could choose at any time to not be a hated outcast (Bearded Lady; literally all she has to do is shave and no one would ever know), but, again, that's not exactly the point. The point of the song is to encourage hated minorities to not let the world and the culture get them down, which grows out of the recent "Tolerate" movement. Now, some things (and I know I'm going to shock some people here, but here we go) about that movement aren't that bad; namely, saying that just because we don't agree with someone's lifestyle doesn't mean that person should be convicted of a crime and thrown in jail or otherwise persecuted. However, we all know the movement doesn't even remotely stop there. This goes off of my post about what tolerance truly is. These two lines indicate that we should not just not persecute people we disagree with, we have to love them and support them, because "they deserve it". This idea isn't limited to just this movie either. In the new book-to-movie adaptation of A Wrinkle in Time, Meg Murray shouts at her possessed brother that "I deserve to be loved!"

   Let's be honest here: is everything about you amazing? Do you love everything about yourself? Chances are, the answer is no. I know I'm not perfect. However, we have started encouraging commonly hated groups of people to overcome their persecution in the wrong way by essentially telling them that they are perfect. As Christians, we all know that sanctification is an ongoing process. We all have sins that we struggle with, some of which we'll struggle with all our lives. But telling people "God loves you just the way you are because you're perfect" robs us of so many things.

   I'm going to say it plainly here: Just because people hate you because of irrational prejudice doesn't mean that you are a perfect person in every area of your life. We all need to change and grow. Thinking of ourselves as "victims" leads us to believe that any criticism, critique, or angry words towards us is because that person is prejudiced against us because of our minority status as a woman or insert ethnicity here or what have you. Maybe that person really is mad at you because they're prejudiced against you. There are people like that out there. Or maybe, the critique is just a critique. Maybe that person is having a bad day and you happened to be a convenient target for frustration. Maybe you're just overthinking things, and that wasn't meant to be an insult at all and you should just calm down.

   I heard someone say once that the greatest thing about America is that we give people the chance to fail. I vividly remember little perfectionist me crying because I got words wrong on a spelling test and my mom telling me that she would be worried if I wasn't getting words wrong, that it was good that I was messing up because that was just opportunities to learn. She told me that my failures are indicators of what I just don't know yet. That's stuck with me ever since she said that. Failure is not enjoyable, but it's the way we learn. Failure isn't fun. But without it, we wouldn't be able to grow. In addition, this idea of "I deserve to be loved" puts all the burden of responsibility for change in tough situations on the haters and persecutors, when we can do things to change many miserable situations ourselves.

   Look. This world can be miserable and terrible. People can treat us horribly. But saying that we deserve to be loved robs us of the beauty of love. The beauty is that we don't deserve to be loved and yet God loves us anyway. He died for us because He loved us even though we don't deserve it. The misery of this world doesn't mask our imperfections, but there is someone that loves us not because we already are amazing, but in spite of our sinfulness. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay that we fail. It's okay to acknowledge that not everything about us is wonderful, and that we need help overcoming something. The way you were made is not a mistake. But that doesn't mean we can't make mistakes. We can't be perfect. We're going to mess up. We're going to do something wrong that will only encourage the people determined to hate us that they were right all along. The beauty of love is not that we deserve it. We don't. We never can, not on our own. But that doesn't matter, because Christ loved us so much that He died for us even though we didn't deserve it, that we may be made like Him. Before Christ, we are all equal. Before Christ, we are all wretched sinners. Before Him, anyone can be saved by His unchanging grace.

   That is the foundation on which we should base our responses to prejudice. Not faith in ourselves and our false sense of perfection, but in Christ.

 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3:28)

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. (John 16:33b) 

P.S. On a completely separate note, what is with the trend to make musicals about the jerks in history (Alexander Hamilton, P.T. Barnum)? Surely there are some nice guys in history that we could make musicals about.

The Little Mermaid and the Bible

My sisters and I have talked a lot about the messages presented in The Little Mermaid. How she's willing to go sell her soul to marry a guy she just met and, in the end, gets rewarded for bad behavior. The other night, when I was doing dishes and listening to Disney music, a song from The Little Mermaid came on. And it set me thinking about the messages presented in it. Suddenly I remembered my first impressions of the movie, and they hadn't been at all what my sisters and I always talked about.

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Courtesy of the Disney Vault, my sisters and I only watched a few Disney movies growing up. The Little Mermaid was not one of them. On one of our trips to Disney World as a family, my oldest sister bought The Little Mermaid as a souvenir. We watched it for the first time soon after.

I filter everything I watch through my worldview. I always have, and I did it with The Little Mermaid that day. I knew Ariel disobeying her father was wrong, even if he was being too strict in telling her not to go to the surface. I knew going to Ursula for help in catching Eric was wrong as well. I knew Ariel was making bad decisions, and as I watched, I was not surprised at the bad consequences she got (turning back into a mermaid, almost losing herself and her father to the sea witch) and I was fully aware that she deserved it. It stunk for Eric, who was getting the rotten end of the deal. I liked Ariel and felt for her, but knew that during the climax, she was getting exactly what she deserved.

Then after Ursula was defeated, Ariel was lying on a rock pining after Eric. Her father watched her, and, taking pity on her, he used his power to turn her into a human so she could be with the man she loved. In later years, my sisters and I have said she was getting rewarded for her bad behavior. But that's not how I saw it when I watched the movie for the very first time. I saw it as an act of grace.

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I knew Ariel had done wrong. She had almost become a slave for the rest of her life, and only her father's and Eric's love for her saved her from that. Her father was willing to give his life for her and suffer eternally for his wayward, disobedient daughter. And after great tragedy was averted and the enemy vanquished, her father loved her so much, that, even when he had a right to keep her under lock and key and demand she fulfill the role at the palace she had constantly abandoned, even after suffering much of the punishment she should have borne, he still loved her enough to give her the greatest desire of her heart. Triton showed mercy on her and let her have a chance at a life with Eric, even though she did not deserve it, because he loved her that much.

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When I first watched The Little Mermaid, that was the message I drew from it. I knew this movie was done by a secular company, but all I saw in it that first time was a heavy Bible message. The writers probably did not intend for it to be there, but truth has a way of working itself into everything. For a while, I forgot the powerful message of love and grace I had found in The Little Mermaid. It took me many years to remember. But, whether or not the Disney animators intended for it to be there, the message I drew from The Little Mermaid really touched my heart the first time I saw it. It just took Peter Hollens' version of "Kiss the Girl" for me to be reminded of that.

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(Note that I still have issues with the magic and the shallow romance in the movie. But those are tales for another day.)