An Open Letter to My Past Self

When I was fourteen, I didn't want to live past age twenty-one.

I rarely talk about this, especially not so bluntly or so publicly. But today, I felt like I needed to. Seven years ago, I didn't realize what I was feeling wasn't normal. I didn't know it was dangerous. Conversely, I also didn't know anybody else knew what I was feeling or could relate to it. I was torn between the fear that either nobody would understand what I was feeling and so if I opened up, they just wouldn't know what I was saying, and the fear that everybody felt this and it was normal, that feeling like I didn't want to keep living for much longer was a part of life everyone experienced and I just had to suffer through it. I honestly believe that if I didn't have my fiction to pile some of my feelings into, I would have had to face them directly, and might have ended up in a much darker and more dangerous place. 

When I was fourteen, I didn't want to keep living past age twenty-one because I couldn't imagine life as something I could enjoy. I couldn't find joy in anything anymore and I didn't think that would ever change.

But it did. It did change. I'm twenty-one now, and I'm so, so glad that I have many years still ahead of me. The life I once used to dread has become my greatest dream. I've rediscovered the joy that used to evade me constantly. Even with anxiety or caffeine making my heart race right now, sitting on the couch with a cuddly little kitty sleeping on my legs, a fuzzy blanket, a good thick fantasy book, and soft music playing? That's the good life. So, to my past self, I promise, it gets better. You won't be in that darkness forever. You will rediscover what it means to be happy. You won't always face the future with such dread. You will find joy again in the things that used to excite you. It won't always be easy, and in some ways, that darkness will always be with you, but you won't always be in the pitch-dark cave you're in now. You will find a way out into the soft twilight and the cool morning, the darkness just shadows lurking behind bushes and wrong turns on wooded paths. Here's the secret that will keep you going through the darkest night:

It gets better.

So don't give up because you think the rock-bottom you've hit will be the rest of your life. It won't. You will find solace in realizing that the thoughts you live with aren't normal, but they aren't unique either. A fictional character and an author that becomes one of your good friends will help you see that constantly hating yourself isn't normal or healthy but it is something you can walk out of, a pattern you can break. You'll leave the church and pastor that haunt you. You'll find grace in the God that never meant for you to beat yourself up with the Law you were never able to live up to, finally realize that sanctification doesn't mean you're a failure if you're not perfect now that you follow Jesus. Your crazy hormones will come under control, and while they will still mess with your head worse than they probably should, you'll be able to recognize that for what it is. Your health will come more under control, and for the days when it's not, at least you'll know you're not alone in that either. You'll make friends that won't drift away and desert you and be able to handle it when others do. One day, you'll be able to talk about this to others and you won't feel anymore the crushing weight of being alone.

If you're someone who feels like I felt seven years ago, just know that you're not alone. And that this darkness you're feeling isn't all you'll ever feel. It gets better. I won't lie and say that it's always easy, that I'm completely cured and the darkness is completely gone. I can't even say quantitatively what made it better because I don't really know. But life gets better. You will live and love and laugh and dream and you will find happiness again. And you will be so happy you're living to experience it all. Even the darkest times. Even the stress and the anxiety and the college classes that make you want to rip your hair out and the waitressing experiences that leave you in tears and the triggers that remind you of the darkness that still tries to take over sometimes. Because now that you've faced wishing you were no longer there to experience it all, every day that you do experience it is a gift you never thought you'd be glad to have.

And also, just know this: fiction can save lives. It sure saved mine.

All my best,

Addyson

(P.S.: the book series that saved my sanity and probably my life is just amazing and frankly everyone should go check it out right away and yes, I'm not ashamed to make this a post about mental health awareness and a book promo)

Also, if you're ever experiencing thoughts about ending your life or simply wishing it would end by natural causes, don't hesitate to call 988 immediately. Don't be afraid to get help.

The Death of Platonic Friendships

 

Via Pinterest

   There seemed to be a bit of a movement a while back to recognize the importance of platonic (aka, not romantic) relationships for being just as important as romantic ones. But a groundswell has burst and suddenly platonic relationships in fiction are simply nowhere to be found. Even if there are platonic relationships in the piece of fiction itself, they are romanticized in the fanfiction. Case in point: Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is such a friendly guy, he makes platonic friendships with everyone. He's really close to Han and Leia, who end up being his sister and brother-in-law, which is a perfect representation of what their relationships ended up like. The father-son relationship between Luke and Vader is at the center of the entire trilogy. And yet, I have seen Star Wars fanfiction with Luke Skywalker having a romantic relationship with Han, with Leia, with Vader, and even occasionally with Palpatine. In fanfiction, you can find the strangest pairings imaginable, often based on the barest hints of platonic friendships between characters in the actual story. I'm not even going to open the can of worms that is the pairings in the Sequel Trilogy, but believe me, they are much worse than what I've just said about the Original Trilogy (and I haven't even gotten into the weirdness that is the Leia/Boba Fett ship. What even).

   This tendency to make everything romantic is obviously not staying in the realm of fanfiction. Tom Holland is accused of being gay because he has a best friend that is a guy whom he is roommates with now (which is just what Peter Parker did in the comics, moving in with his best friend Harry Osborne in college, and Peter Parker was very much a ladies' man). And this tendency is growing into the realms of the very disturbing; have you heard of the term "age is just a number" recently? In case you're wondering, this is a phrase excusing massive age gaps in romantic relationships. Not supporting this tendency seems to get people called homophobic, or worse. And yet, how many of us have had the relationships in our lives be solely romantic or sexual ones? Absolutely none of us. Most parents and children don't have a romantic relationship. Many siblings enjoy a close relationship and are never attracted to each other romantically. Sibling relationships are so very rarely portrayed in fiction, and yet when they are (Elsa and Anna, Thor and Loki), many see their relationships as romantic. I had a close best friend of my own age and gender for seven years, and never once was romantically attracted to her.

   My point is this: society today is trying to say that it's okay now to be whoever you want to be, and that women don't need a man to validate them, etc., but if you look at the way they treat everything as romantic these days, it's clear they actually believe the opposite is true. Everything in this culture seems to revolve around romantic relationships these days. If someone isn't attracted to someone of the opposite gender, they must be gay. If someone is close friends with anyone at all, no matter who they may be, they must be romantically involved. And it's incredibly damaging. We're essentially telling all the kids that they are worthless unless they have some sort of romantic relationship. And yet, of the demographics of romantic relationships, the ones the least properly represented is the one we all start out as: single. Everybody grows up single. Some people stay single, and that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them, as the label "asexual" seems to imply. We all have incredibly fulfilling platonic relationships with people from all walks of life, with family, with coworkers, with best friends, with professors and teachers and anyone else that we may meet.

   It's okay if such-and-such relationship is platonic. It's okay to portray platonic relationships in media. It's okay for people to have best friends and roommates of the same gender and not be romantically attracted to each other. It's okay for men and women to have close, non-romantic relationships. And it's okay for you to be single, now, yesterday, and forever. After all, as the Apostle Paul said, "Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am."

   Let's not forget the value of simple friendships. We all have them, and sometimes, they're the most important relationships we can have.

Why the Movie Industry is Being Ruined

   What is the principle purpose of a movie?

   If you said anything other than "entertainment," you're doing it wrong.

   Many people nowadays would protest this. Movies these days should be promoting diversity, empowering women, revealing the flaws in our society, abolishing racism, fighting for minorities, trying to make a difference, they say. Many, many moviemakers these days are stating exactly these reasons for making movies. These kinds of moviemakers have made it into Star Wars. They've just recently made it into Marvel. They've been making DC TV shows for years and ruining many various sequels, remakes, and reboots. 

   What's the problem with promoting diversity, empowering women, abolishing racism, or just trying to make a difference in the world? Nothing necessarily, but let's go back to the core of why movies and TV shows exist. Tell me, what are they all a part of? The entertainment industry. Why do people spend their money on the entertainment industry? Is it so they can watch a feature-length sermon on why God exists? Is it to be yelled at for not recycling enough? Is it to watch a twenty-minute docudrama on the evils of war profiteering? Not likely. People go to the entertainment industry to be entertained. And it seems that the movies coming out of the entertainment industry just aren't very entertaining these days.

   Just look at Star Wars. The Original Trilogy was fun, and despite what the media claims, was beloved by people from all walks of life, not just fat nerdy fanboys who spend all their time reading comic books and oppressing women (or something like that). In fact, Star Wars became beloved all the world over, by people that couldn't be more different. Star Wars was entertaining, and its basic themes appealed to everyone. The Prequel Trilogy came out and wasn't as beloved because it wasn't as good quality (poor George really should have hired someone else to write the dialogue) and therefore wasn't as entertaining.

   Then along came the Sequel Trilogy. The Force Awakens was pretty good, and fairly entertaining. It was a fun new space adventure with more universal good-and-evil themes that appeal to everyone. It made fans were excited for the new Star Wars movie. And then The Last Jedi came out. Remember my comment about a twenty-minute length docudrama on the evils of war profiteering? Yeah, that was referring to this movie. The bulk of The Last Jedi seemed about war profiteering, animal abuse (but not child abuse, even though there were child slaves), how powerful women are (to the point of not rehiring all of the ethnically and species diverse men that worked for the Resistance in The Force Awakens, which took place in the story five minutes before The Last Jedi), and featuring a token Asian woman that had no relevance to the plot whatsoever. Most of the rest of the movie was just badly put together. It wasn't an entertaining movie at all, it was a dividing movie that wasn't fun to watch and felt very preachy. No escape was to be found here. Yet the primary force behind the movie, Rian Johnson, continues to insult fans that point out the seeming agenda and the failed writing in The Last Jedi, calling them racist manbabies, and ignoring that no one cares what the message is in The Last Jedi, they just don't want their movie to be about it.

   The divide between moviemakers' goals and moviegoers' wants makes me think, of all things, of a Trivial Pursuit question: What was Adolf Hitler's favorite movie? It wasn't a movie heralding the triumph of the Aryan race. It wasn't a movie featuring a Jewish person as the bad guy. It wasn't a movie about the successes of eugenics. It wasn't even a movie with Germans in it. It was the 1930s King Kong, and that wasn't because there are hidden Nazi ideologies in the movie, but because he thought the special effects were really cool and it was a really entertaining movie. Not even someone as good at propaganda as Hitler came to movies to be preached at. Even though the Nazis spewed out propaganda galore, Adolf Hitler's favorite movie wasn't a piece of Nazi propaganda but a universally entertaining movie.

   Why has making movies and TV shows stopped being about entertaining people and become about propaganda? If your primary motive is to champion a cause, you shouldn't make movies. You should start an organization, a charity, or a political movement. Movies, TV shows, and anything that is a part of the entertainment industry, exists first and foremost to entertain. If they fail at that, they are missing their primary purpose for existing. Remember, George Lucas wanted to promote New Age philosophy with Star Wars. He wanted to teach everyone about moral relativism with the story, but he focused first and foremost on making a good, entertaining story. He didn't exactly spread New Ageism all over the world, and he failed spectacularly in making Star Wars about moral relativism, but he made a really amazing story that is popular all over the world. He knew that the job of a movie was to entertain first and if it didn't do that, it wasn't worth making.

   So, if you want to make a movie, and your primary purpose is anything other than entertaining viewers, please, do us all a favor: run for office instead. If you want to make a difference, go into politics. If you want to entertain people, lift them up, make them smile, and give them a reason to keep going, by all means, make movies.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

   They say we're more divided in this country than ever before. While that's obviously not true (see: the American Civil War), it is true that Americans are very divided these days. It's normal and even good to have people in this country that disagree fundamentally, but that advantage of different perspectives goes away when we're never nice to each other. Nowadays, it seems like if two people disagree on certain issues, they're not allowed to still be friends, respect each other's differences, and be kind to each other.

   Take, for instance, the issue of gay rights. George W. Bush is, as Ellen DeGeneres put it, a "conservative Republican president", while she is a "gay Hollywood liberal". Ellen and her partner attended a football game that George W. Bush and his wife were also attending. They sat near each other, chatted, and had a good time, despite the fundamental differences in their beliefs. Ellen was slammed on social media for being friends with George W. Bush. Slammed! For being nice to someone she disagreed with. I myself don't agree with certain of Ellen's personal choices, but I applaud her for refusing to follow the trend of society today and instead acting like a decent human being. She told everyone that we have forgotten that being different is okay and that we can disagree with people and still be friends.

   Ellen is exactly right. I think many people have started to see people that disagree with them, especially people who are white, male, Republican, Christian, or, heaven forbid, all of those at once, are people that hate them, have some sort of agenda against them, or somehow wish harm on them. That kind of thinking is ridiculous! Just because I disagree with Ellen's life choices doesn't mean I hate her or think she's some kind of lesser human being. I applaud her for being able to look past barriers and be friends with someone who is very different from her, even though she probably knew there would be backlash.
   I posted a while ago about enemies. What I said in that blogpost still holds very true today. Maybe I really am idealistic, like my fellow students told me in class yesterday, but I don't see why that idealism has to be a bad thing. Why can't we all strive to be better than we think we can be, to be friendlier, to put aside our differences and get along anyway? Why can't we be different and still be friends? As they have said, don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon. Don't tell me we can't stop focusing on "black" and "white", "white privilege" and "black oppression", on any of the real or perceived superficialities that set us apart and focus on the true person instead. Don't tell me we can't be better than we are. Don't tell me we have to be ashamed of our past to truly change our future. We are more capable of the impossible than we could ever dream. Why is it wrong to dream big?
   The differences that set us apart don't have to divide us. So forget what's possible and just do what's right. You and I can be as different as can be, but we can still get along and be friends.
   So please, let's stop the attacks on people who believe differently than you, who look different or act different, or maybe even believe some of the things you do are wrong. Chances are, they probably don't actually hate you, and would be more than willing to be friends.
   We don't gain anything from fighting and hating each other. Differences don't have to be divisive. Disagree doesn't equal enemy.
 
   Why can't we be friends?

Just Chill

   North Korea. Russian collusion. ISIS. Trump. Blue wave. Red wave. Gay rights. Anthony Kennedy retiring.
   Please stop hyperventilating. I swear everything is going to be all right.
   2016, was, admittedly, not a pleasant year. But 2017 wasn't the worst year on the planet. America is not dying. We are not in the worst nation on the planet. Nobody is going to be rounded up into American concentration camps. Nobody is purposefully plotting to take your rights away. Nobody cares what ethnicity you are. The Republicans are not a bunch of Nazis. The Democrats are not a bunch of Nazis.
   The Antichrist is not on this world (just because someone's sinful doesn't make them Satan, guys). There aren't more earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, wars, rumors of wars, and people starving than in times past. We just don't have worldwide records of times past. The world is not more sinful than it has been before (and please don't start talking about homosexuals or abortion, it's all been around longer than Israel was a nation the first time around). Say it with me slowly: THE WORLD IS NOT ENDING.
   Is the world messed up? Yes, but no more than it has been for the six thousand years it's been hanging around. Is America a paradise? No, but we're never going to live in heaven on earth, so why are we all freaking out? We're not going to die, your "enemies" don't hate your guts, nobody is going to take your rights away, and you don't live in the next Nazi Germany. So please stop moaning and hyperventilating and mourning the death of your country and just breathe. You're going to be fine. I promise.
   And maybe, just maybe, America is doing better than you think. It's worth a thought.
   So please, and I mean this with all the compassion in my heart:

Via Pinterest

Want Free Healthcare? Might Want to Think Again

   One of the biggest debates in America today is healthcare. I cannot speak for the attitude of older generations towards the issue of government in healthcare, but among my generation, the attitude, at least among the more vocal ones, tends to be like this:

Via Pinterest

   "Free" healthcare. To all those who think it would solve the problems with our healthcare systems, please listen carefully.

   "Free" healthcare is the idea that every medical institution in the entire country is paid for and run by the government. All of the expenses in running it are paid for by taxes, so technically it could be considered free, since the payment for services does not come in the form of a medical bill. But before getting emotional with the claim "Free healthcare is what any decent human being would do and is worth massively high taxes", let's go back to the fact that everything that has anything to do with your health would be run by the government.

   The government. The same government that fails so often, the same government whose failures just recently led to the deaths of many in recent shootings, the same government whose VA health program is infamous in our country for being so terrible...this is who you want controlling your health?

   How do you think it will turn out when you give the government power over your health? Power corrupts. And when the government gets involved in healthcare, innocent people die. 

   In the UK, yet another possibly treatable child is being left to die and the parents and other countries can do nothing about it. You might think incidents like this aren't that common, but an online British newspaper reports that decisions to end children's lives happen frequently in their hospitals, they just aren't usually protested. The doctors insist it would be wrong to let the child suffer, although they won't let other eyes see him to prove his brain is as damaged as they say it is. The judges turned down every offer to get Alfie Evans lifted out to protect the image in the eyes of their people that the government is infallible. Police forcibly led away air ambulance pilots trying to save the life of a child.

   In Canada, waiting has become the primary characteristic of their healthcare system. People wait years to get a family doctor, to be seen by specialists, to start treatments, to have surgeries. These wait times have caused people to suffer considerable anguish and pain, treatable conditions to become chronic, long-lasting, or terminal, and the deaths of between 25,456 and 63,090 Canadian women, and those numbers are just up to 2014.

   There was another famous country that had a nationalized healthcare program. This country also killed children and others that were "suffering" by starvation, then injections, and then...gas. But not every country will become Nazi Germany, you say.

   No. They may become worse.

   Children are frequently killed in Britain by removal of life support ordered by doctors and judges not subject to appeal. And yet, have you heard much outcry from the British people? In Nazi Germany, the outcry against the actions of the national healthcare system forced the government to pretend they had stopped. But in Britain, even the crowd outside Alder Hey cannot convince the government to stop their atrocious actions.

   A "free" healthcare system is essentially putting the power of your very lives into the hands of your government. History has shown time and time again that people will do anything other than lose their power. Do you really want to invite that into your country? Do you really think it will be a good idea to let the government have the power to treat or not treat sick individuals? Do you really think that will turn out well?

   To all those who hope and long for a "free" healthcare system... Just look around you. Look at Canada, at Britain, at Nazi Germany, at our own VA hospitals... Is that really what you want? Do you really think putting the power of your life into the hands of the government will turn out any other way than bad? Just look at this generation's favorite fiction genre, the dystopians... This is how it starts. This is how all those nightmare scenarios start. With these decisions, these surrenders of the people, this blindness to the danger.

   Government is, at its best, a necessary evil. Are they the people you really want to trust with your lives just to save people the shock of medical bills? Our healthcare system needs help, but this cannot be the answer. It must not be the answer.

   If you ask for a free healthcare system, you will get a free healthcare system. Not free of costs, expenses, or unnecessary pain, but free of human dignity, the right to choose, the ability to question authority, and free of compassion and love and saved lives.

   If you really, truly want a free healthcare system...

   Be careful what you wish for.

Get Down Off the Soapbox, Please

   Many years ago, my family talked about how frustrating it was that, in entertainment, Christians preached a message while others made good entertainment, and, as a consequence, sin was completely taking over the culture. I've even written posts about how Christians should focus on making good art instead of preaching a message through their art. 

   Nowadays, things are a little different. Complaints are frequently heard about ABC's shows turning preachy, the most recent one being The Good Doctor. Rick Riordan's readership has dropped tremendously as many fans (me included) are turned off by his preachiness. And Disney movie after Disney movie seems like just an exposition for liberal agendas (Star Wars: The Last Jedi being one of the most recent). In some ways, it is a relief that lies aren't slipping into people's heads without them noticing. But in a way, it's really annoying. Our last source for good entertainment is now gone.

 

Could everybody please stop preaching when they're supposed to be telling stories?

   I mean, seriously. All I want is to spend a couple hours having a good time. I don't want to be hammered over the head that the world is ending and [insert name here] is the Antichrist or that everyone needs to stop throwing their water bottles in the trash. I don't want to spend the entire movie wondering how the directors thought a theological seminary would make a great movie or why almost every single man in the entire Resistance disappeared between movies. I go to church to hear preaching. I watch movies and TV shows and read books to be entertained.

  So please, authors, screenwriters, movie directors, etc., get down off the soapbox, go home, and find a church you can preach in. When you're ready to actually sit down and tell me a story, you'll find me over here waiting.

Naturally...

   When I was little, I learned in history about World War I. All about how the Germans had tried to take over the world and England, France, and the US banded together to help stop them. I was ashamed it had taken the US until 1917 to get into the war. And naturally I was on the Allies' side. Naturally...

   Then one day I decided to do a little more research. I was older. Much older. And through my research I learned a much different story...

   A story of a new, uncertain little country, just making its way into a world hundreds of years old, with centuries of history to back it up. A world of excessive imperialism and militarization, where everyone was splitting up the second-biggest continent on the planet to add to their domains, and a world where newly-formed Germany found itself completely surrounded by several massive military powers: England, France, Russia, and Austria-Hungary. A scared little country who scrambled to make alliances, and who accidentally festered a life-long hatred in a neighboring country when doing the only thing they knew how to do, which was make war. A proud little country, that managed to worm its way into Africa and make the world respect her, despite her lack of solid history, her backwardness, and her military obsession. An inept little country, who bungled her way through alliances, accidentally alienating their one old friend of England and raising tensions with their old enemy France. A nervous little country, who, when France and Russia made an alliance, made frantic plans of how to war against them both without being caught between two strokes of a hammer and destroyed, plans that required bypassing the massively strong forts on the German-French border to destroy France before Russia could make it to Germany. An unfortunate little country, who just meant to back an old friend, Austria-Hungary, in a clear affront, and didn't expect or want a world-wide war. And an excited little country, full of proud young men ready to answer the call of the country they so desperately loved, going off to do what they'd trained for all their lives, expecting to be home within the month, because surely Britain wouldn't get involved in other people's wars when they never had before, and surely the military might of Germany could destroy the mustering army of France before France and Russia destroyed them, surely...

   In my research, I relearned a lesson I've been taught so many times and so few people understand...that there are two sides to every story. There's two sides in every conflict, and so often in a fight, we can't arbitrarily choose a side and declare them to be good and righteous in their cause. So often, there are good men on each side, and bad men too. Very seldom can we see all sides. So very little do we ever understand. We always make the other sides out to be these horrible monsters who are out to destroy our homes, when really, many of them are fighting for the same reasons we are. We cannot ignore all the bad things our "side" does in war. We cannot ignore all the good things the other "side" does. We cannot pretend to be righteous when we are not. We cannot pretend our enemies are the devil when they are not. Maybe we should simply try to be honest, not propagandize and make the enemy out to be monsters, but simply show them for what they are and us for what we are. Maybe if we were honest about war, soldiers would not come home as often shell-shocked, suddenly aware that they were killing not mindless monsters, but ordinary men. Maybe if we admitted that we don't do everything right, that we may not be fighting the other side because they are evil, but simply to protect our families and our homes, there would be less hate in the world. We might believe countries when they say they thought they were blowing up a troop ship and not a passenger ship and blame the right party when our people die after being warned not to enter war-torn and blockaded waters. We might be able to move on past war and rebuild our lives and our friendships when we stop fighting and not leave the war-torn region a powder keg ready at any moment to blow. We might stay out of wars we have no business fighting, and we might resist the impulse to utterly punish the losing side as if all the death and destruction and misery was all their fault, when it never is, and cause pain and devastation and open up doors for a starving, angry people to accept the leadership of a madman and become a terror to the world.

   Maybe, next time you read about a war, instead of being filled with passion and pride for your "side" and anger for the side you feel was in the wrong, you should stop and try to see it from their side. Read their stories, told not by their enemies, but by themselves. And try to understand that, in a war, we are only fighting people that might have been ourselves, in another time, another place. That war is never truly good, no matter what side you're on. And that all sides, the Germans, the Confederates, the Saxons, the Druids, the Trojans...

   Everyone needs their story told.

You Are Not Alone, I Promise

   Hey, friend,

   Life has been rough for you lately. Things haven't been going the way you planned or expected and it's left you feeling numb. Everything seems hopeless and dark. You seem trapped in a place you cannot get out. Nothing is the way it should be and you can't even react anymore. You don't have the strength. Life is just an obstacle you must climb, every day for however long it lasts. You can't speak about it to anyone because they would never understand. You are living in a misery you can't seem to get out of.

   You are not alone. You are not the only one that feels like this. There is nothing hopelessly wrong with you. And here are a few secrets you really need to hear:

   Things are never as bad as they seem. There is a One Who loves you no matter what. God is working in the midst of your darkness and brokenness to shine out His Light. Do not be afraid: even though you can't feel it right now, God is with you. He is always with you. He is living inside you, moving, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

   Things will get better. You will survive this. You will emerge on the other side of this darkness and mess and be stronger for it because God is always with you and He has been directing your paths.

   There are people who understand what you're going through. There is always someone who is always willing to lend a listening ear. Talk to them. Even if you feel you can't, talk to them about everything that is numbing you, all the things you don't care about anymore and all the things you should. It will help, believe me.

   Stop trying to push yourself so hard. Stop letting your obligations and your problems drive you. Slow down. Take a bath. Lie back. Soak in everything around you. Bury yourself in your favorite books and surround yourself by the things you love. Breathe. You're okay. God carried you this far. He will take you the rest of the way.

   God is loving, and He is willing and able to take all of your burdens. Just let go and let Him take care of everything. All you need to do is trust in Him. 

   You're okay. Everything will be okay again, I promise. You feel like you can't do this on your own, but you don't have to. God will do it for you. He is in you, He does love you, and He will carry you through this.

   Remember that God made you special, and He loves you very much.

   Goodbye!