Tuesday, April 24, 2018

The Disney Parents Theme Song

   I was musing on the tendency of Disney parents to inevitably die and decided to write a parody about it. I wrote it to the tune of The Monkees Theme Song. If you're not familiar with it, I've provided it down below. What do you think of this parody? Tell me in the comments!

Here we come
Onto your TV
We get these suspicious looks from
Ev’ryone we meet

Hey, we’re Disney parents
We’re parents and we’re gonna die
We’re too busy dyin’
And makin’ ev’rybody cry

Nobody ever is safe, ‘cause
They’re Disney parents, too
You don’t have time to get ‘ttached, ‘fore
They’re also dying, too

Hey, we’re Disney parents
We’re parents and we’re gonna die
We’re too busy dyin’
And makin’ ev’rybody cry

We never are diff’rent
We never ever stick around
We’ve scarred all generations
From Bambi all the way down

Any time
Or anywhere
If it’s a Disney movie
We will be dying there!

Hey, we’re Disney parents
We’re parents and we’re gonna die
We’re too busy dyin’
And makin’ ev’rybody cry

Hey, we’re Disney parents
We’re parents and we’re gonna die
We’re too busy dyin’
And makin’ ev’rybody cry

We never are diff’rent
We never ever stick around
We’ve scarred all generations
From Bambi all the way down

Hey, we’re Disney parents
Hey, we’re Disney parents






Tuesday, April 3, 2018

10 Ways to Draw Permanent Readers to Your Blog

   There's nothing the human mind loves more than lists. We have lists for everything. Book lists, to do lists, character lists...lists of every shape and form. 
   Blog posts are no exception. We love being able to click on a blog post and scroll through, glancing at the numbered ways to make your life better. It saves time and is sleek and convenient. There's no way that you read this far into the introduction. Nobody reads this far into introductions to "# Ways" posts. But this post would look fishy if the introduction was small, even though I as the author have nothing more to say in it.
   I like lemons. Lemons make almost any dish wonderful. Lemony food is tasty and magical and summery. It can make any dish sound fancy as well. Okay, I think this introduction is long enough now.

10. Stay relevant

   People aren't going to read your blog if you're just extolling the merits of the Blackberry. They want to hear about important, current things, like David Hogg and the latest school shooting. Oh, snap. This post is already outdated. Maybe I should have talked about Google not celebrating Easter. Or maybe Earth Day. When is Earth Day, anyway, and does anybody actually care? You know what isn't relevant anymore? Twitter. Do you remember when people actually cared about that? Now all people care about is Instagram and Snapchat. And Facebook. Facebook has been surprisingly long-lasting.

9. Don't be afraid to write about controversial topics

   Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Phasellus volutpat ornare purus et ornare. Orci varius natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Pellentesque mollis, mi at pulvinar accumsan, enim arcu aliquam purus, ut rhoncus est augue nec nisl. Phasellus fringilla, augue at lobortis volutpat, turpis quam condimentum lectus, eget commodo justo magna in metus. Donec placerat vitae orci sed mattis. Etiam interdum imperdiet massa quis blandit. Donec ut pharetra arcu, eu rutrum nisl. Ut suscipit mauris nulla, quis egestas quam accumsan eget. Nunc tempor nunc at enim varius pulvinar. In gravida finibus felis et ornare. In placerat pellentesque ullamcorper.

8. Advertise your blog

   Or don't. Rely on word of mouth and faulty Facebook algorithms to get people to notice you. Sure, you'll get a lot of readers. 47 is a lot. And you'll get lots of action, too, every time your grandma comments to tell you how amazing you are. Your mother will probably comment, too. Don't bother paying for advertisements. Nobody cares about Internet advertisements anyway. They just ignore them. Seriously, when was the last time you looked at an Internet ad before closing it? Never, that's when.

7. Post at the right times

   Do I know what the right times to post are? No. But everyone that talks about posting at the right times seems to know what they're talking about, so I'm going to pretend to know what I'm talking about, too. 12:00 to 12:45 AM is the best time to publish a blog post, because all the people up for their midnight snacks will be on their phones while waiting for their snack to prepare. The second best time is 4:00 to 8:00 PM each night, because readers will be at dinner on their phones reading blog posts. Never post on a Wednesday, because everyone is at Wednesday night church at those times pretending to be pious and they won't see your posts.

6. Post often

   What? No, I have no idea why this is on there. I have no idea what posting more often has to do with drawing readers to your blog. At least your readers will know you're not dead. That's always a plus. This paragraph needs to be longer. Bananas are tasty as well, but they have no juice. Seriously, you never go to the store and find bottles of banana juice. It's a real pity, because I think it would be very delicious. I would buy it.

5. Write posts with memes in them

   It doesn't matter whether the memes have anything to do with the actual post. Put them in anyway.

   People will eat your posts up.

4. Write short posts

   People don't have the time to read really long posts, which is why they prefer posts like this. They can read the headers and skip over the word in between. Nobody will read these words except that guy at the NSA looking over everything you say and do. Hey, NSA guy. Totally never murdered somebody. Nope. (Except in a story...that doesn't count, does it?) Also, I'm free on Friday, so if you want to meet at the coffee shop down the street, I'm single and lonely...

3. Identify your audience

   Hi, Mom!

2. Write grabbing headlines

   Like "These 10 Child Actors Wound Up In Jail. Number 9 Will Shock You" or "Drivers in [insert reader's city] Are Furious About This New Law" or "You've just won 10,000,000 dollars!" I always click on them, don't you?

1. Write "(This Many) Ways" posts

   (This Many) Ways posts are some of the most popular blog posts to read. You're reading this, aren't you? Actually, you probably aren't. Nobody actually goes through and reads the descriptions under the headings. But they will read the headings. And they might follow your blog. Well, most likely not. You never know, though. You might get more readers by writing posts like this.

   You made it to the end. Yay! I barely did. Now share this blog post and laugh at all the people who thinks it's a serious blog post.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Get Down Off the Soapbox, Please

   Many years ago, my family talked about how frustrating it was that, in entertainment, Christians preached a message while others made good entertainment, and, as a consequence, sin was completely taking over the culture. I've even written posts about how Christians should focus on making good art instead of preaching a message through their art. 
   Nowadays, things are a little different. Complaints are frequently heard about ABC's shows turning preachy, the most recent one being The Good Doctor. Rick Riordan's readership has dropped tremendously as many fans (me included) are turned off by his preachiness. And Disney movie after Disney movie seems like just an exposition for liberal agendas (Star Wars: The Last Jedi being one of the most recent). In some ways, it is a relief that lies aren't slipping into people's heads without them noticing. But in a way, it's really annoying. Our last source for good entertainment is now gone.
 

Could everybody please stop preaching when they're supposed to be telling stories?


   I mean, seriously. All I want is to spend a couple hours having a good time. I don't want to be hammered over the head that the world is ending and [insert name here] is the Antichrist or that everyone needs to stop throwing their water bottles in the trash. I don't want to spend the entire movie wondering how the directors thought a theological seminary would make a great movie or why almost every single man in the entire Resistance disappeared between movies. I go to church to hear preaching. I watch movies and TV shows and read books to be entertained.
  So please, authors, screenwriters, movie directors, etc., get down off the soapbox, go home, and find a church you can preach in. When you're ready to actually sit down and tell me a story, you'll find me over here waiting.


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Naturally...

   When I was little, I learned in history about World War I. All about how the Germans had tried to take over the world and England, France, and the US banded together to help stop them. I was ashamed it had taken the US until 1917 to get into the war. And naturally I was on the Allies' side. Naturally...
   Then one day I decided to do a little more research. I was older. Much older. And through my research I learned a much different story...
   A story of a new, uncertain little country, just making its way into a world hundreds of years old, with centuries of history to back it up. A world of excessive imperialism and militarization, where everyone was splitting up the second-biggest continent on the planet to add to their domains, and a world where newly-formed Germany found itself completely surrounded by several massive military powers: England, France, Russia, and Austria-Hungary. A scared little country who scrambled to make alliances, and who accidentally festered a life-long hatred in a neighboring country when doing the only thing they knew how to do, which was make war. A proud little country, that managed to worm its way into Africa and make the world respect her, despite her lack of solid history, her backwardness, and her military obsession. An inept little country, who bungled her way through alliances, accidentally alienating their one old friend of England and raising tensions with their old enemy France. A nervous little country, who, when France and Russia made an alliance, made frantic plans of how to war against them both without being caught between two strokes of a hammer and destroyed, plans that required bypassing the massively strong forts on the German-French border to destroy France before Russia could make it to Germany. An unfortunate little country, who just meant to back an old friend, Austria-Hungary, in a clear affront, and didn't expect or want a world-wide war. And an excited little country, full of proud young men ready to answer the call of the country they so desperately loved, going off to do what they'd trained for all their lives, expecting to be home within the month, because surely Britain wouldn't get involved in other people's wars when they never had before, and surely the military might of Germany could destroy the mustering army of France before France and Russia destroyed them, surely...
   In my research, I relearned a lesson I've been taught so many times and so few people understand...that there are two sides to every story. There's two sides in every conflict, and so often in a fight, we can't arbitrarily choose a side and declare them to be good and righteous in their cause. So often, there are good men on each side, and bad men too. Very seldom can we see all sides. So very little do we ever understand. We always make the other sides out to be these horrible monsters who are out to destroy our homes, when really, many of them are fighting for the same reasons we are. We cannot ignore all the bad things our "side" does in war. We cannot ignore all the good things the other "side" does. We cannot pretend to be righteous when we are not. We cannot pretend our enemies are the devil when they are not. Maybe we should simply try to be honest, not propagandize and make the enemy out to be monsters, but simply show them for what they are and us for what we are. Maybe if we were honest about war, soldiers would not come home as often shell-shocked, suddenly aware that they were killing not mindless monsters, but ordinary men. Maybe if we admitted that we don't do everything right, that we may not be fighting the other side because they are evil, but simply to protect our families and our homes, there would be less hate in the world. We might believe countries when they say they thought they were blowing up a troop ship and not a passenger ship and blame the right party when our people die after being warned not to enter war-torn and blockaded waters. We might be able to move on past war and rebuild our lives and our friendships when we stop fighting and not leave the war-torn region a powder keg ready at any moment to blow. We might stay out of wars we have no business fighting, and we might resist the impulse to utterly punish the losing side as if all the death and destruction and misery was all their fault, when it never is, and cause pain and devastation and open up doors for a starving, angry people to accept the leadership of a madman and become a terror to the world.
   Maybe, next time you read about a war, instead of being filled with passion and pride for your "side" and anger for the side you feel was in the wrong, you should stop and try to see it from their side. Read their stories, told not by their enemies, but by themselves. And try to understand that, in a war, we are only fighting people that might have been ourselves, in another time, another place. That war is never truly good, no matter what side you're on. And that all sides, the Germans, the Confederates, the Saxons, the Druids, the Trojans...
   Everyone needs their story told.


Friday, March 16, 2018

Cover Reveal Time!!!

Dagger's Sleep Cover Reveal






   One of my most favorite authors is releasing a book soon, and IT'S SO EXCITING!!! Seriously, I can't wait for this book to come out. I just know it's going to be amazing. How do I know? Well, the cover just proves it. It's amazing too! When this book comes out, you're going to want to buy it.

   And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...no, I'm not going to be mean this time...Here is the cover!!!

Dagger's Sleep Cover - Updated 031118


  About the book: 
A prince cursed to sleep.

 A princess destined to wake him.

 A kingdom determined to stop them.

 High Prince Alexander has been cursed to a sleep like unto death, a curse that will end the line of the high kings and send the Seven Kingdoms of Tallahatchia into chaos. With his manservant to carry his luggage and his own superior intelligence to aid him, Alex sets off to find one of the Fae and end his curse one way or another.

 A hundred years later, Princess Rosanna learns she is the princess destined by the Highest King to wake the legendary sleeping prince. With the help of the mysterious Daemyn Rand, can she find the courage to finish the quest as Tallahatchia wavers on the edge of war?

 One curse connects them. A hundred years separate them. From the rushing rivers of Tallahatchia’s mountains to the hall of the Highest king himself, their quests will demand greater sacrifice than either of them could imagine.

Release Date: May 28, 2018
  DSC09450-2
About the author: Tricia Mingerink is a twenty-something, book-loving, horse-riding country girl. She lives in Michigan with her family and their pack of pets. When she isn’t writing, she can be found pursuing backwoods adventures across the country. You can connect with her on Facebook, Pinterest, Goodreads, Twitter, Instagram, and her blog. To make things even more exciting, Tricia Mingerink is going to be co-hosting a blog tour from May 22 to 28 with Sarah Addison-Fox to celebrate the release of both of their latest books. Her next book Dissociate releases May 22. More details about blog tour will be coming in April.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

The Great Rights Illusion Part Two

   I apologize for the delay in getting this post up.
   Read Part One here.

   Where do rights come from?

   We have established that rights are permanent gifts given to everyone equally at their creation, unable to be transferred, denied, sold, or taken. But who gives us these rights?
   We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights....  (emphasis added)
   Rights are given to men by the Creator, God Almighty. This very fact has the potential to change lives. But why?
   I'm sure you've heard of civil rights, political rights, legal rights, and those such things. Well, those things as we know them don't actually exist. See, according to the definitions of these words, their existence often hinges on the government. Many people, government officials especially, talk about "giving" or "taking away" our civil rights. But, as we have seen, rights come, not from government, but from God. No government can give rights or take them away. They cannot deny us our rights or transfer them to another. What does this mean?
   One of the hottest topics in today's culture is the government "taking away" our right to keep and bear arms. Putting aside for a moment all the debates over whether that is a right and what "keep and bear arms" actually means, let's examine this debate in the light of our new knowledge.
   The government does not give us our rights and cannot take them away. No one can take them away. This means that even should a government declare it illegal to ever own a weapon, every man still has an absolute right to keep and bear arms, and even should the government send troops to take those weapons away, men have every right to stand up and fight them. In fact, that was how our country was founded (look up the battles at Lexington and Concord in 1775 and learn more about them).
   Freedom of speech is one of the most hated rights by governments. Almost no other right has been the center of more attacks and laws. However, since our rights come from our Creator and not our government, we always have and always will have the right to speak our minds. Even should they arrest us, put us in jail, or kill us for exercising our right, our right it will remain. No government can tell you to shut up.
   Clearly, this is radical, even dangerous thinking. Yes, there is a reason the American Declaration of Independence has been banned in many countries all over the world. But if we can break through the Great Rights Illusion, we can become so much more than what we are now. If we embrace what we've been given by God and refuse to let anyone lie to us about it, we will do what Americans have done since the beginning of our country, what we are known for.
   We will change the world.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The Worth of a King Cover Reveal

   Hello, weary adventurers! You are one of the lucky few, the brave persons that have followed through to gaze upon this wondrous sight. Be prepared. It will not be easy. It has been said to burn the souls of the unready. Steel your hearts and prepare to gaze upon The Cover of The Worth of a King.



...



...



...




   What, you didn't think it would be this easy, did you? You must earn the honor of resting your eyes upon this natural man-made wonder, only bestowed upon the most persevering and hard-working. First you must suffer through the evil book description!

   Princess Obsidia’s father was killed the night she was born. Since there was no male heir, the crown went to the man who killed him, by Dialcian law. This never bothered her, growing up, and when it comes time for Obsidia to choose her husband, she chooses Prince Delaney, the son of that man, with little hesitation. Only then does her life start crumbling around her.
   Adrian expected to live a normal life, taking his father’s place at the print shop when his father retired. But, on his eighteenth birthday, when the princess’ engagement is announced, his world is ripped out from under him when he learns that his life was a ruse, and he is the twin brother to the princess – and expected to take back his father’s throne.
   Delaney knows that his country is hovering on the brink of war – and that his father may harbor murderous intentions towards his intended bride due to her Zovordian blood. He wants nothing more than to protect Obsidia and his people, but as merely prince, he has little power against his father.
   The ancient war between the Dragons and the Immortal King and Queen is nearing its climax, and the three are already caught in it.


   The nefarious book release date!

August 27th

   And the diabolical author description, more evil than the author herself!

Kendra E. Ardnek loves fairytales and twisting them in new and exciting ways. She's been or acting them on her dozen plus cousins and siblings for years. "Finish your story, Kendra," is frequently heard at family gatherings. Her sole life goal has always been to grow up and be an author of fantasy and children's tales that glorify God and His Word.

Find her online at: Website || Blog || Goodreads || Facebook || Twitter || Amazon




   You must brave the perils of The Opening Chapter...


   Wend your way through the treacherous Snippet...

True,” said Jerolin, shrugging. “It shall be good to finally see the place of our birth. To finally see if it’s really as grand as mother’s stories.”
“Indeed,” Christa muttered. “A single building that could hold our entire village thrice over, rooms the size of houses, women wearing jewels worth more money than men in the village might see in two lifetimes … it all sounds too much to be true.”
“You’ll be able to judge for yourself, soon enough,” said Jerolin. “The size, I can believe, but how can rocks be worth that much money? Who would possibly buy them?”
“People who gain their wealth through taxes instead of honest labor,” Adrian put in. “And the people who wish to impress them.”
Such was the world that he’d been born into, the world he might have and even should have grown up in. Adrian shuddered.

   Suffer the sight of the hideous Pinterest Pin...
Eye color was an important decision that Jack and I had to make regarding Adrian and Obsidia. We finally settled on hazel green as I had too many characters with brown eyes, and she had too many with green. Or, at least, I THINK that's how the conversation went. It's been a few years. Via Pinterest


   And slay the terrible guardian dragon named Add the Book on Goodreads!




  
   Congratulations, adventurer.
   You have now successfully won your way through the twisty canyons of Cover Reveal and now have been deemed worthy to gaze upon the Revealed Cover in all its glory. Do not rush this moment. It will be all the more worth it for the waiting.
   Now prepare yourselves...do not get excited...it is just around the corner...


   You have been truly blessed. I hope this experience changes your life. Perhaps you desire to gaze upon this sight again. Alas, the ancient laws prevent a traveler from journeying the same path more than once. But do not fear! Many other avenues lead to this glorious sight. None of them are easy, but they are all very worth it. I regret that I cannot do more than guide you to the starting points of these paths. Good luck, adventurer, and brave journeying!


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