Nope, Not a Phan

 Not sure what it says about me that it takes dumb pins on Pinterest swooning over the Phantom from The Phantom of the Opera to come out of my blog hiatus, but here we are.

Ladies, here are just a few little tips to evaluate whether or not the man pursuing you is worth marrying or whether you should, in fact, run as fast as you can to the nearest police station and refuse to leave until the man who wants to be in a relationship with you is locked in the deepest dungeon they can find. 

1. If he sings to you through the walls and teaches you how to sing as well, but refuses to disclose his name, run.

2. If he, while singing to you through the walls and teaching you how to sing as well, implies that he is an angel sent from heaven by your dead father when he is in fact a living human being who has never even met your father, run.

3. If he, while singing to you through the walls and teaching you how to sing as well, overhears you stating that you think he might BE your dead father and refuses to correct your assumption, run.

4. If he continually harasses your workplace, frightening some of your coworkers into quitting and your boss into fleeing by retiring in another country and selling the company, by pranking people, vandalizing the place, imitating a ghost, and causing numerous people near-death experiences, RUN.

5. If he squats in the basement of your workplace and, instead of pursuing gainful employment, extorts the building owners into paying him a wage through vandalization and murder, RUN.

6. If he makes a sport of murdering your coworkers, especially if they insult him, tell frightening stories about him, or literally just stumble upon him while cleaning the basement, RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO THE NEAREST PERSON WITH A SWORD AND/OR A GUN AND DO NOT LEAVE THAT PERSON UNTIL THE MAN PURSUING YOU HAS BEEN LOCKED UP OR KILLED.

7. If he is fifty and you are eighteen and he has been spying on you through the walls for months, possibly years, and now is pursuing you, perhaps consider that that age gap has all kinds of red flags on it.

8. If he has been spying on you through your walls for months, possibly years, in your dressing room and your bedroom, watching you change, CALL THE POLICE.

9. If he takes you to a secret underground lair alone the first time you've ever met in person while still not knowing his name and he's the only person that can actually take you out of his lair, meaning you're trapped there at his mercy, all I'm saying is, his physical deformities should be the least of your worries.

10. If he catfishes you, do not pursue a relationship with him.

11. If he screeches like an unholy demon and calls you a "lying Delilah" for exposing his catfishing, drop this relationship like you'd drop Jack Dawson into the freezing Atlantic Ocean while you hog the door for yourself.

12. If you feel like you can't tell him that you're interested in someone else and hide your engagement to your childhood best friend because you're afraid for your fiancé's life if your voice teacher finds out you're not interested in him, perhaps consider bringing down a countrywide manhunt on your former voice teacher instead of wondering whether you should have chosen him rather than your sweet fiancé.

13. If his only friend reveals to you that he has built the shah of Persia a literal torture chamber, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

14. If you find out that he so enjoyed torturing people in his torture chamber that he even freaked out the literal shah of Persia for being too sadistic and was kicked out of the country, DON'T JUST CALL THE POLICE, CALL THE ARMY AND THE NAVY AND THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT DOWN ON THIS CREEP.

15. If when a freak accident causes a chandelier to collapse and kill someone in the audience, you're not entirely sure it wasn't engineered by him because he's salty the prima donna got the main female role in the opera instead of you, part of the ensemble, just because he's teaching you and tried to blackmail your bosses into picking you, maybe you should wonder why you had to be reassured he didn't commit that specific murder and look further into how you see his character and how dangerous he is.

16. If he forces you to perform in an opera for him and you have no choice but to do it so you can help your fiancé get him arrested, I don't think a meaningful relationship with him is possible.

17. If he murders your costar and takes his place so he can flirt with you while impersonating another man, grab the nearest gun and shoot him in his deformed face.

18. If he literally strangles your fiancé and threatens to kill your fiancé if you won't agree to run off with him instead, forcing you to choose between a nice, sweet nobleman with a steady paycheck who loves you for who you are and respects you as a person and a deformed sewer goblin who's over thirty years older than you and is a sadistic serial killer, don't feel bad about dumping him. Seriously. He doesn't deserve you, honey.

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I mean, look at this! Just look at it! Literally strangling a guy to death because he had the audacity to win over his childhood friend and fall in love with her and then object when you kidnap her and try to force her to marry you. Not the mark of a man who would make good husband material. Good husbands don't regularly strangle people.

19. If he fills the basement of your workplace with a ton of gunpowder and threatens to blow up your workplace, killing dozens, perhaps hundreds--especially if he manages to take out several other buildings with the massive pile of gunpowder--if you don't marry him, run and don't look back. Maybe move to Norway, I hear it's beautiful this time of year, all that snow.

NO. NO. No. Just no. Not forcing someone to marry you and not murdering her fiancé because she's just not that into you isn't love. It's not being a despicable human being. Look, you can ship messed up ships because they're messed up and you love reading about or watching the unhealthy dynamics, but don't pretend a ship is healthy when it's not. This isn't healthy. It's messed up. The Phantom of the Opera isn't a good guy. He's a sadistic serial killer that enjoys torturing people, does not hesitate to blackmail and extort to get his way, and no amount of a nice singing voice can sugarcoat the fact that at the end of the musical, he's just finding the one tiny little speck of humanity he had in him by letting Christine and Raoul go, not making some great sacrifice out of his love for Christine. He does not deserve Christine and he sure as Mustafar doesn't deserve someone better than Christine. No. The book was a horror/mystery, not a love triangle. The Phantom is never a realistic option in the book (see the Persian torture chamber stuff and the whole "barrels of gunpowder under the opera house" thing). Let's not pretend Raoul isn't a way better guy than the Phantom (and don't come at me with that dumb Love Never Dies crap, that musical never should have been allowed to exist). Love the messed-up ship if you want, but don't pretend the Phantom is anything more than what he is--that being a dangerous messed-up monster.

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Ladies, choose better. Choose Raoul de Chagny.

Dedicated to my creative writing professor, who, while she always thought Christine should have chosen the Phantom, recognizes that that probably means she has a problem with being attracted to bad boys.

Lessons From a Crappy Movie

So I just watched the 2008 movie Jumper. I honestly only watched it to see Hayden Christensen's acting skills in a movie other than a Star Wars one. And with that, I was suitably impressed. Dude can act, y'all. But the movie itself (and I knew this from the start) is kind of crappy.

Don't get me wrong, the premise is great and has tons of potential, a man who has teleporting powers and is hunted by an organization that wants to kill all teleporters. But the movie had several mistakes along the way that turned what could have been a great movie into a lackluster one.

The biggest problem was that the writers didn't trust their viewers to understand the backstory without voiceover. The first couple of scenes are filled with voiceover from the main character, David (Hayden Christensen). Voiceover in movies is always risky because it's the epitome of telling instead of showing. And us writers know that's a big no-no in most cases.

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The thing I noticed, though, was that the movie didn't even need the voiceover. All the things in the voiceover were shared through the scenes. The emotional beats were strong on their own and would have impacted the viewer much more than they did with the voiceover. The voiceover cheapened the emotional beats that could have made the beginning of the movie strong.

The second problem that doomed the movie was David himself. Hayden Christensen played him very well, no doubt, but the writers gave their protagonist no redeemable qualities and no reason for the viewers to root for him. David was an objectively bad person. He robs banks to fund his lavish lifestyle of hopping around the world with his teleporting ability vacationing all the time. Nevertheless, he could have been a sympathetic character viewers rooted for with just one simple action.

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A common term for making antiheros likeable is "petting the pooch." If in the beginning of his kind of crappy lifestyle, David had pet a pooch, then that could have solved the likeability problem. This didn't need to be literally petting a dog, though. In fact, the movie had the perfect opportunity to have David pet the pooch. After the beginning set-up scenes, David is zipping around his apartment filled with pictures of his travels, generally having a good time and living for himself. He turns on the TV and watches a brief news clip of people stranded in a flood. The reporter even says that there's no way to get those people out. David takes this clip in, and what does he do?

He hops up, gathers a bag, and travels to London to pick up a hot date. He then travels to Fiji, which was just hit by a big storm, so he can catch some large waves.

Jeez. Talk about insensitive.

If, instead, David had used his buildup of supplies and money to help the stranded people and then gone on his vacation, that would have presented an interesting dichotomy, where he is using his gift compassionately, yet also doing terrible things with it and living a pretty selfish life. This simple change could have given viewers a reason to root for David.

One more simple change could have brought this movie up from lame and forgettable to memorable. This is the acceptance of moral nuance and introduction of a character arc. David, a selfish Jumper, is chased by a fanatical organization that wants to kill him simply for possessing his abilities. The movie uses this plot to emphasize the message "Murder bad, David good." However, there were seeds of complexity that could have enhanced the movie if capitalized on. For instance, the main bad guy (he was played by Samuel L. Jackson, so he was too Samuel L. Jackson for his name to register) tells David that all of the Jumpers, even if they start out good, always end up using their abilities for selfish ends, which in his mind justifies murdering them all. This claim actually is a fairly valid one, coming from the classic Invisible Ring scenario, which posits that any normal man, given an invisible ring, would become completely immoral and selfish, taking whatever he wanted because he has the power to do so.

David protests that he's different, but this conversation, which should have come earlier in the movie, could have been the impetus of his character arc (which was practically nonexistent in the movie). David is different, in that he didn't have a slow slide to selfishness but started out that way. A slow realization of his selfish behavior, and that he actually does fit the reasons Samuel L. Jackson wanted to kill him, could have slowly transformed him from the selfish man living for himself to the man you got a glimpse of in the pet the pooch moment we didn't have. In the end, without the character arc, David ends up in pretty much the same place he started out in, as does the bad guy, except for the fact that David has a girlfriend now.

Hayden Christensen is a good actor, but the writers for this movie really dropped the ball.

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32 Signs You're a Star Wars Super Fan

    AKA Signs you're a huge Star Wars nerd.

1. You know the difference between an AT-AT and an AT-ST.

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2. You will correct anyone who confuses the two.

3. You know who Sy Snootles is.

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4. You know who Sy Snootle's ex-boyfriend is.

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5. You really wish you didn't know that Sy Snootles ever had a boyfriend.

6. You know who Maximilian Veers is.

7. You can pick him out in The Empire Strikes Back.

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8. You know he has a son named Zevulon Veers that joined the Rebels.

9. You know that Jar-Jar Binks has a girlfriend.

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10. Not only do you know who Mara Jade is, you know what year she was born, the color of her eyes, and the manner of her death. And her employer. And the colors of her various lightsabers.

11. You can trace the path Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber took through its life. In both Star Wars universes.

12. You're afraid to know how many times you've watched Star Wars.

13. You know who Bib Fortuna is the instant you hear his name.

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14. You've heard of Tatooine, Klatooine, and Dantooine and know the differences between each planet.

15. You know Obi-Wan Kenobi's home planet's name.

16. You know who Porkins is.

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17. You know the band "Figran Dan and the Modal Nodes." And you enjoy their music.

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18. You can hear any Star Wars quote and instantly know what movie it's from, who said it, and what's happening in the scene it's in.

19. The Star Wars music from any part of any of the first six (or the only) movies is instantly recognizable to you, even though you don't listen to the soundtrack that often.

20. You know who Yaddle is and where she came from.

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21. You know every change George Lucas made to every Star Wars movie. And you don't actually hate all of them.

22. You know who Captain Panaka and Captain Typho are, and that Typho is Panaka's nephew.

23. You know what model of freighter the Millennium Falcon is...though of course it's heavily modified.

24. You know the names of the seven different lightsaber forms.

25. You know that while he was a padawan, Obi-Wan favored Ataru, but after Qui-Gon's death, he switched to Soresu.

26. You know that Qui-Gon Jinn wasn't all that great of a master.

27. You know that he only accepted Obi-Wan as his apprentice after Obi-Wan threatened to blow himself up to save Qui-Gon's life.

28. You know what an ysalamiri is and can recognize it in the background of any scene.

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29. You know that Jan Dodonna and Crix Madine both used to be Imperials.

30. You know that in Legends, Thrawn could not have disappeared into Wild Space with Ezra Bridger before the Battle of Yavin because he was briefly mentioned as Captain Thrawn meeting with the emperor after the Death Star blew up in Rebel Force with Crix Madine.

31. You know that Sebulba bought Anakin's pod when Qui-Gon sold it.

32. You know that Luke Skywalker once podraced.

I can't believe I know all that. What obscure Star Wars facts do you know?

Why the Movie Industry is Being Ruined

   What is the principle purpose of a movie?

   If you said anything other than "entertainment," you're doing it wrong.

   Many people nowadays would protest this. Movies these days should be promoting diversity, empowering women, revealing the flaws in our society, abolishing racism, fighting for minorities, trying to make a difference, they say. Many, many moviemakers these days are stating exactly these reasons for making movies. These kinds of moviemakers have made it into Star Wars. They've just recently made it into Marvel. They've been making DC TV shows for years and ruining many various sequels, remakes, and reboots. 

   What's the problem with promoting diversity, empowering women, abolishing racism, or just trying to make a difference in the world? Nothing necessarily, but let's go back to the core of why movies and TV shows exist. Tell me, what are they all a part of? The entertainment industry. Why do people spend their money on the entertainment industry? Is it so they can watch a feature-length sermon on why God exists? Is it to be yelled at for not recycling enough? Is it to watch a twenty-minute docudrama on the evils of war profiteering? Not likely. People go to the entertainment industry to be entertained. And it seems that the movies coming out of the entertainment industry just aren't very entertaining these days.

   Just look at Star Wars. The Original Trilogy was fun, and despite what the media claims, was beloved by people from all walks of life, not just fat nerdy fanboys who spend all their time reading comic books and oppressing women (or something like that). In fact, Star Wars became beloved all the world over, by people that couldn't be more different. Star Wars was entertaining, and its basic themes appealed to everyone. The Prequel Trilogy came out and wasn't as beloved because it wasn't as good quality (poor George really should have hired someone else to write the dialogue) and therefore wasn't as entertaining.

   Then along came the Sequel Trilogy. The Force Awakens was pretty good, and fairly entertaining. It was a fun new space adventure with more universal good-and-evil themes that appeal to everyone. It made fans were excited for the new Star Wars movie. And then The Last Jedi came out. Remember my comment about a twenty-minute length docudrama on the evils of war profiteering? Yeah, that was referring to this movie. The bulk of The Last Jedi seemed about war profiteering, animal abuse (but not child abuse, even though there were child slaves), how powerful women are (to the point of not rehiring all of the ethnically and species diverse men that worked for the Resistance in The Force Awakens, which took place in the story five minutes before The Last Jedi), and featuring a token Asian woman that had no relevance to the plot whatsoever. Most of the rest of the movie was just badly put together. It wasn't an entertaining movie at all, it was a dividing movie that wasn't fun to watch and felt very preachy. No escape was to be found here. Yet the primary force behind the movie, Rian Johnson, continues to insult fans that point out the seeming agenda and the failed writing in The Last Jedi, calling them racist manbabies, and ignoring that no one cares what the message is in The Last Jedi, they just don't want their movie to be about it.

   The divide between moviemakers' goals and moviegoers' wants makes me think, of all things, of a Trivial Pursuit question: What was Adolf Hitler's favorite movie? It wasn't a movie heralding the triumph of the Aryan race. It wasn't a movie featuring a Jewish person as the bad guy. It wasn't a movie about the successes of eugenics. It wasn't even a movie with Germans in it. It was the 1930s King Kong, and that wasn't because there are hidden Nazi ideologies in the movie, but because he thought the special effects were really cool and it was a really entertaining movie. Not even someone as good at propaganda as Hitler came to movies to be preached at. Even though the Nazis spewed out propaganda galore, Adolf Hitler's favorite movie wasn't a piece of Nazi propaganda but a universally entertaining movie.

   Why has making movies and TV shows stopped being about entertaining people and become about propaganda? If your primary motive is to champion a cause, you shouldn't make movies. You should start an organization, a charity, or a political movement. Movies, TV shows, and anything that is a part of the entertainment industry, exists first and foremost to entertain. If they fail at that, they are missing their primary purpose for existing. Remember, George Lucas wanted to promote New Age philosophy with Star Wars. He wanted to teach everyone about moral relativism with the story, but he focused first and foremost on making a good, entertaining story. He didn't exactly spread New Ageism all over the world, and he failed spectacularly in making Star Wars about moral relativism, but he made a really amazing story that is popular all over the world. He knew that the job of a movie was to entertain first and if it didn't do that, it wasn't worth making.

   So, if you want to make a movie, and your primary purpose is anything other than entertaining viewers, please, do us all a favor: run for office instead. If you want to make a difference, go into politics. If you want to entertain people, lift them up, make them smile, and give them a reason to keep going, by all means, make movies.

The Flaw in our Children's Heroes

   I wrote a post a couple of months ago about Harry Potter and why I don't like it. While I have many reasons, one of the reasons that has stuck with me the most is the same reason my mom didn't like it when she first read it back in the Nineties. That reason is this: all the "good" guys are really mean. It really stuck out to me because this is a franchise supposed to be for young children, and yet it heavily features characters who constantly (and I mean constantly) are mean.
   It's no secret that the Dursleys and Draco Malfoy are mean. But possibly the only person that is not mean is poor Neville. Harry and Ron make fun of Hermione constantly, heedless of whether she can hear them or not. It gets to the point where they're so mean she ends up crying in the bathroom and almost gets killed by a troll. Hermione herself is stuck-up and snobbish and flouts her superior knowledge any chance she gets.

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Harry is drawn to dark magic and wants to learn curses so he can get revenge on his family for being mean.
   And it's not only the kids. Their role models are also mean. Hagrid gives Harry's cousin (and for the life of me I can't remember his name) a pig tail that he has to go to the hospital to get removed. Both Hagrid and Harry find the situation hilarious. The house of Slytherin bullies everyone, and everyone else bullies the Slytherin because they're the "bully house." And then there's the head of the school, Albus Dumbledore himself. The whole situation with the house points being connected to sport championships and student demerits is ridiculous anyway, but, due to Harry breaking the rules, Slytherin legitimately won the house championship. Dumbledore made it as far as the awards ceremony still letting Slytherin believe they had won. Then, at the very last second, he awards enough points to Gryffindor to give them the championship instead, jerking away the Slytherins' hope. Cue wild celebration by the rest of the school. This was incredibly mean.

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   Now I have no problem with flawed main characters. True-to-life human beings (whether they're actually humans or not) struggling to overcome character flaws and do the right thing despite the circumstances and despite themselves is what makes stories so amazing. Watching fictional characters make mistakes, learn from them, and grow inspires us to do the same when we get into similar circumstances. My biggest problem is with how the characters' flaws are portrayed.

   One of the most beloved characters in pop culture is Spider-Man. Spider-Man is an American icon and instantly recognizable to the majority of the world's population. I personally love Spider-Man. Ever since I first saw Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man on TV at five or six years old, I was hooked (although I didn't understand the radioactive spider part and thought getting superpowers from an ordinary spider was the epitome of stupid). However, while I love the Raimi trilogy (yes, even Spider-Man 3, I don't care what my sister says) and adore the MCU version, the Andrew Garfield version...well...

   There are many (many, many) reasons why the Webb duology didn't work. But one of the main reasons, I think, sits with the main character, adorkable nerd Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man. Peter Parker is supposed to be a nice, gentlemanly young man who dotes on his aunt, gets praise from practically every old lady he meets, turns all the ladies heads (mainly because he's nice to them, unlike their boyfriends *cough cough* Human Torch *cough cough*), and only gets the reputation for being a jerk around some people because he walks around with his head in the clouds all. the. freaking. time. and causes people around him trying to reach out and be friends to think he's ignoring them, when really he's wrestling with more angst than the star of a teenage drama. Both the Tobey Maguire version and the Tom Holland version nail the heart of this character, if not quite looking like they stepped right out of the Sixties comics. But Garfield's Peter Parker is almost unrecognizable.

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   From the beginning of the movie, Garfield's Peter Parker is mean. He steals an Oscorp worker's badge and smiles when he sees him get dragged out. The classic selfish moment that led to Uncle Ben's death is made so much worse in this movie. After playing around with his newfound powers, this Peter tries to buy milk at a store and is a few pennies short. The cashier says sorry, you have to have the full amount. As he stalks away to sulk, a thief demands money. Of course, Peter does nothing, and I'm sure you can guess what happens next. Then comes the scene in the gif above. Flash Thompson's bullying goes from cliche movie bullying in the Raimi trilogy to mainly just vocal harassment in the MCU and in the comics, but in this movie, Flash pretty much bullies people whose names don't end with "eter" and "arker". Nevertheless, Peter takes the opportunity of his newfound powers to smugly show off in gym class and make Flash look like an idiot. This isn't portrayed as an immature mistake Peter needs to learn from, but as a triumph for the main character. Indeed, Peter just becomes more and more immature and mean as the duology goes on.

   Far from being a dark portrayal of the character, this was supposed to be just another fun iteration of Spider-Man, someone children for generations have looked up to and loved. Harry Potter is wildly popular and beloved by millions. Both are enjoyed by children everywhere. And yet the main characters, the ones that children, and often us as well, look up to and emulate, are not good people. What does it say about us as a society that we can overlook or just not even notice this type of behavior in the people we call heroes?
   This doesn't necessarily mean that these stories should never be enjoyed by anybody, but I question the wisdom of exposing young kids to them. Children won't know any better. They are predisposed to make bad decisions, as everyone is born a sinner and the younger the person, the less knowledge and experience that person has of anything resembling morals. Young children aren't going to be able to recognize the vindictiveness and revenge in both Webb's Spider-Man and the Harry Potter characters as wrong and not something they should practice. Before indiscriminately giving any media marketed towards children to young children to enjoy, we have a heavy responsibility to be cautious. In the Raimi trilogy, Peter Parker makes many mistakes, it is true. But these mistakes are almost universally portrayed as mistakes. Not so with Webb's Peter Parker and most of the characters in Harry Potter. They make many mistakes, but none are portrayed as such. Instead, this is acceptable and even praised behavior. I know most parents out there would not truly want their children acting like the characters in these movies and books. So why do we promote the said movies and books as good to our kids? Why do we call Harry Potter "good vs. evil" when it really isn't?
   I say all this mainly to warn viewers to exercise caution. I analyze everything I consume and take everything with a grain of salt, partially because I'm just naturally suspicious, but it seems like most of us simply take in everything we see, never question it, and move on with our day. This can be very dangerous, especially when choosing what to expose young children to. Now, the level of caution you exercise with this and similar media must be decided on your own for each individual family. Whether media with heroes of questionable behavior that is endorsed by the movie or book warrants simply a conversation with your children on what is and is not okay or waiting on the movie or book until the child is older must be decided by you, but we must all recognize and be conscious that this is something that needs to be examined and decided before we can exercise this level of caution.
   Just because something is popular or it contains our favorite heroes does not mean their behavior is okay. It's not okay to be mean, and our popular stories shouldn't show that being mean is okay. Only once we are aware of this problem in our media can we seek to counteract it. We need to be aware of popular media that endorses behavior we know is wrong. And maybe, while we're in this new-found spirit of discernment, we should rethink bringing our very young children to PG-13 movies just because Spider-Man or Batman is in it, or because it has dinosaurs and your kids love dinosaurs. (Those movies are PG-13 for a very good reason.) Just sayin*'. Not every movie made with topics that kids like are made for kids, especially young kids, and if something is not made for kids, we probably shouldn't be showing it to our kids.

   *This may seem slightly off-topic, but I just found it very disturbing when I went to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and a family with young kids (and I mean young) was in there. The kids themselves weren't disruptive, but the mom told her kids "look, he's crying" at a point when one of the dinosaurs seemed to be shedding a tear. Now, I'm not one to judge someone's parenting, but if your children are so young you're still in that mode of talking when watching a movie, perhaps they shouldn't be there. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a very graphic movie about dinosaurs eating people. One man gets his arm bitten off by a dinosaur (and then he's eaten, naturally). This is not a movie for most children under the age of ten. Can you say psychological trauma?

The Biggest Lie About Disney Women

   There are some people out there that claim Disney princesses are not good role models for women because they are apparently all flat, boring pushovers that rely on men to save them. To which I have to say, they must never have watched a Disney movie before. Flat, boring pushovers? Waiting around for men to save them? Let me introduce you to the Disney princesses I know.

Rapunzel

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  True, Rapunzel didn't physically leave her tower until Flynn Rider climbed up there. But he didn't exactly sweep her off her feet and carry her from her undesirable circumstances. He was simply fleeing pursuit by the authorities. Rapunzel hit him on the head with a frying pan, tied him to a chair, and forced him to escort her to see the one thing she'd always dreamed of. She simply seized opportunity when it came knocking at her, well, window. Would she have left if Flynn Rider hadn't ever climbed into her tower? Maybe not that year, but eventually, she probably would have gotten fed up and left to go fulfill her dream. Rapunzel is a very determined, though naive, woman who doesn't seem to take no for an answer. And let's examine what she did in the rest of the movie: she convinced an entire tavern of terrifying thugs to forgo money and not turn Flynn in to the authorities and not take advantage of a naive sweet girl, but instead help her on her way to her goals. Her winning ways change the heart of Flynn, and, ultimately, she's brave enough to make a huge show of trust in giving him his incentive to escort her safely there and back while waiting to see the lights. She convinces Javert in horse form to leave the desperate criminal he's been hunting alone. Once she sees through her "mother's" lies, she turns her back on her and tries to leave her abusive situation. She is willing to give up her freedom to save Flynn's life. Indeed, in the end, Flynn doesn't save Rapunzel from much at all. She saves his life and changes his heart. (This is not to negate the awesome sweetness of Flynn's sacrificing his life for Rapunzel's freedom. That's still one of the greatest moments in Disney history.) Flat boring pushover? Not here.

Tiana

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   Tiana kind of got the short end of the stick when it came to movies, but that doesn't detract from what an awesome character she is. In fact, I think she may be my favorite of all Disney princesses. Unfortunately, the theme of her movie seemed to be, "You're not fulfilled unless you have a guy-any guy, but preferably a rich one that can fund your goals." Nevertheless, Tiana is a hardworking goal-driven woman who won't let anything hold her back from what she wants; not the Great Depression, not racism, not a lack of money. She held down several jobs and sacrificed to achieve her dream of opening a Cajun restaurant. She certainly didn't wait around for anyone else to do things for her. I think what Disney meant for her movie to say theme-wise was something like, "Don't let life pass you by," but that's certainly not what the movie portrayed. She didn't give up her morals for the man she married, but definitely deserved better than what she got. Naveen is certainly no role model extraordinaire, but Tiana is pretty great.

Mulan

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   Although she's technically not a princess any way you cut it, somehow, Mulan wound up on the list of official Disney princesses. Which is nice, because she's pretty great. She doesn't fit in with the expectations of her country's culture for females, and even though she tries to fill them, she always fails. Then her father is called to war, but he's too old and too injured from the last war he fought in, so Mulan sacrifices her own life to save her father's. She masquerades as a man because women aren't allowed in the army, becomes a soldier, defeats the Hun army with her ingenuity, saves her commanding officer's life, then follows her unit after being thrown out for being a female and defeats the remaining Huns, saving the emperor of China and her entire country. She returns to civilian life bringing home honor to her family name and a pretty great guy to boot. Sign me up for the next war!

Pocahontas

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   Setting aside the fact that the real Pocahontas was eleven and none of the events this movie is based on probably actually happened because John Smith was a serial liar, there's no getting around the fact that this whole story is based on the premise of Pocahontas standing up to her father and saving John Smith's life. This is another story about a young woman standing against what her culture demands of her to do what is right. Never mind the fact that the history is all wrong and the love story was created out of thin air and the animators clearly never set foot in Jamestown in their lives before. Seriously. There are no tall cliffs or waterfalls anywhere in the vicinity. It's a freaking swamp, for crying out loud!

Jasmine

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   "I am not just some prize to be won!" Jasmine, in the animated movie, is a feisty princess that refuses to marry a stuffed shirt and instead insists on marrying for love. Outrageous demands, right? Well, they seem to be too hard for her father at first, but Jasmine isn't budged. She just sends her tiger after any undesirable suitors. She even tries to send Aladdin packing when he's bungling his words so much he makes it seem like all he cares about with Jasmine is her money. She's brave enough to kiss (gross) Jafar to distract him from Aladdin stealing the lamp back, and is super understanding when Aladdin is revealed to be a street rat, not a prince. She's a brave woman who won't stand for injustice, and that's definitely something we should strive after in this world. Also, she's from one of my very favorite Disney movies, so...

Belle

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   She's sweet but spunky. She doesn't fit in in her town and longs for more than what her life consists of. She loves books, doesn't care for the handsome jerk, and craves adventure. When her father goes missing, she tracks him down, then trades her freedom for his. Her curiosity gets her in a bit of trouble, which causes the Beast to blow up at her. She storms off, unable to take it anymore, and fights valiantly against a pack of angry wolves. Unfortunately, she's almost unable to fight them off. Thankfully, the Beast comes to her rescue, then collapses. Ignoring the call to freedom, Belle drags him back to his home and her prison, takes care of his wounds, and yells at him for losing his temper. The Beast starts to change, and Belle starts to fall in love with him, but when she sees her father is sick, she leaves to go tend him. She defends her father and the Beast to an angry mob, then races across snowy, wolf-infested woods at night to try and save the Beast from her townspeople. She doesn't arrive in time to participate in the final fight, but she comforts the Beast as he dies. (Spoiler: it doesn't last.) Belle is strong and spunky and feisty. I have a formal Belle dress, and it's amazing. She's amazing. (And so is my sister, who made the dress.)

Ariel

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   Heheheh...heheheh...yeah...I can't defend her. She sells herself into slavery to a sea witch for a chance to woo a man she met once. Eric is a great guy, but Ariel is a spoiled brat. Definitely not a great role model. Grow up, girl.

Aurora

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   ...   She seems pretty nice. She can sing and dance and probably cook. But honestly, she spends most of the movie asleep. The fairies and Phillip are the heroes of this movie. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather are pretty great. They save the entire kingdom, with the help of Phillip, because it was a bit hard for them to fight a dragon by themselves. Sorry, but this one's probably where all the accusations have their birth. There's really not much to her.

Cinderella

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   I don't care what anyone says, she's much prettier in this than in her ball gown. Cinderella is kind to everyone, even the animals most people consider vermin, and even the evil cat (I'm convinced Walt Disney hated cats). She doesn't complain about becoming a servant to her step family, and doesn't even consider leaving. All she wants is to go to a party, which, considering her depressing life, is quite understandable. When her stepsisters rip up the dress she and her mice friends worked very hard on, she's upset and storms out. After her fairy godmother salvages the evening, she goes to the party and meets a nice young man, whom she doesn't realize is the prince. She goes home after midnight, content to enjoy the memory of her nice evening at the ball. Prince Charming coming to propose to her is just a cherry on top for her, and a victory for her future father-in-law, who had set up the entire ball just so he could have grandchildren. I think she would have been pretty happy without a man coming to "rescue" her. I may be biased, though, since I grew up on this movie.

Snow White

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   Yes, she literally gets saved by the prince at the end of the movie. I don't care. She's just a kid. She does her best, despite being enslaved by her stepmother just because she's good looking. Then her stepmother sends an assassin after her. Naturally, when the hunter tells her to run, she runs. She always tries to be brave and always tries to be cheerful. After she stops running, she says, "I'm so ashamed of the fuss I made!" As if she should be ashamed of freaking out when someone tells her they were sent to kill her. Then she manages to take care of seven bachelors while in hiding for her life. So she's also a hopeless romantic and a little naive. So what? Girls could learn to be that cheerful.

Then of course there's Merida and Moana, but they don't even have romantic interests.

So what do you think? Are Disney princesses just flat characters only saved by men that would make terrible role models or much more? Who's your favorite Disney princess?

Spider-Man, Spider-Man...

   Because after Endgame, that's pretty much the only thing on my mind. I can't wait until Far From Home comes out.

   Prepare for fangirling. You've been warned...

   I watched Spider-Man for the first time when I was really young, in 2006, or about there. I don't think I saw the whole thing, but I really liked it, even though I was firmly against anything I considered a "boy movie", only because my oldest sister hated boys and "boy movies", and as the youngest I naturally followed in her footsteps (it didn't last; Star Wars and The Incredible Hulk TV show boosted all of us out of the "no boy stuff" phase forever). My dad turned it on one day, my sister and I watched at least some of it, and we loved it. I somehow missed the whole "genetically engineered spider" (a la Tobey Maguire version), and thought the idea of getting spider powers from an ordinary spider bite was ridiculous, but fell in love nonetheless.

   Fast forward to us getting Netflix (2009 to 2011ish). Not long after we got the streaming service, we watched Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 (Spider-Man 3 was, sadly, not available for streaming). And I loved it. The quintessential superhero movie, basically. I don't care how predictable it is. That's my Spidey you're watching right there.

   And then 2012 hit. And all the The Amazing Spider-Man commercials dropped. They showed his face in the commercials and I was lowkey furious. That was not my Spidey. They already had a Spidey and he was a pretty new Spidey, too. There was no reason to reboot a franchise that had just come out. (It had only been five years since Spider-Man 3!) Thankfully, most of the world agreed with me, though I didn't know it at the time. Even Andrew Garfield said making the movies "broke his heart", because they were nothing like his dreams of being Spider-Man were. I resolved to myself never to watch the movie (or its subsequent sequel) if I could help it.

   Eventually, we found Spider-Man 3 somewhere really cheap, so my family bought it for me and we watched it. One of my sisters absolutely hated it, but I still loved it. It's not quite as good as the first two, but still really good.

   Right around that time, I met someone who really liked the Amazing Spider-Man movies, and, while she is my friend, I just don't understand it. Because of her, I decided to finally watch The Amazing Spider-Man one Sunday when I was sick and it was on TV. And let me tell you (sorry, Danielle), WHAT THE J JONAH JAMESON. I mean, Peter Parker, uber-nerd, certified loser, and possessor of the Parker LuckTM , should not be skateboarding down school hallways. Losers don't skateboard down school hallways. Also, Andrew Garfield is not small enough to be Peter Parker. He doesn't look like a loser, he looks like a cool kid. His version of Peter Parker is not sweet, but instead, arrogant, rude, cocky, and a certified stalker (who the heck has a picture of the girl they don't even talk to as their LAPTOP BACKGROUND???). And you could sneeze at all of his nerdiness. Tobey Maguire's Peter is sweet and supportive, even if a little self-absorbed at times. Okay, angry rant over.

   Then the Marvel craziness won out over the rest of the entertainment world, and Sony finally agreed to let the most popular Marvel superhero join the MCU. The Marvel overlords decided not to rehash the Spider-Man origin story again, and so, when my sisters and I went to see Captain America: Civil War in theaters, we were treated to our first glimpse of the new and improved Spider-ManTM . 

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   I walked out and said, "I think I like him better than the Tobey Maguire version."

   Okay, first of all, he actually looks fourteen! You look at him and you really think he could be in high school. A++ casting just on that aspect. And second, they nailed him as a nerd and certified fanboy like no one else did. The other Spider-Mans were just really smart, but this one is so relatable nerdy. 

   And then he died and my heart did too.

   Ugh, the new Spider-Man movie was just so good! (See me fangirling more about it here.) Even Flash Thompson was a cool and refreshing take on the character. I was so excited for Infinity War and then at the end he turned into dust and do you know how traumatizing it is to see your childhood hero die before your very eyes? 

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   Yeah... Waiting for Endgame was agonizing, even though I knew Spidey had to come back because of the sequel. And I saw it recently and

Do Not Read Any Further Or Risk Endgame Spoilers

   oh my word. The fact that we aren't going to get any more Iron Dad and Spider Son? I live for Iron Dad and Spider Son! How is Peter going to cope without Tony Stark? He already lost two father figures and now he's lost another, probably forever? I'm gonna cry, guys, because it's just not fair. Peter saying hi to Tony was great, and then he said, "Mr. Stark, we won, Mr. Stark, we won, I'm sorry, Tony." And I'm just over here crying, don't pay any attention to me. The whole reason Tony decided to help the Avengers bring the Vanished back was because he saw a picture of him with Peter and realized he couldn't not help bring his son back and Tony died because of it and no I'm not okay!

Okay, you can read again, no more Endgame

   I also started reading the comics recently and they're as good as I thought they'd be. A lot like the MCU in that literally everything is connected. Peter Parker's parents were double agents in HYDRA and Red Skull ordered them assassinated by the Finisher when he found out they were undercover for the CIA and Daredevil helped Spider-Man when he was temporarily blinded by a bad guy and Tony Stark designed special glass and knock-out gas for the NYC police that helped them keep Maggia members from escaping after capture by Spider-Man. There was an issue where Pietro and Wanda Maximoff came to NYC and Pietro tried to capture Spidey because he thought he was a bad guy and thought capturing a bad guy would help alleviate some of the bad press on Pietro and Wanda. My hands down favorite story, though, was when Peter got the flu, and he didn't realize he could still get sick because he was Spider-Man, and so he thought he was losing his Spider powers, and so he told all of his friends he was Spider-Man (and I mean ALL of his friends, Harry, MJ, Gwen, Flash, everyone), and then he went to the doctor and found out he just had the flu and had to ask a boy whose life he had saved to wear his costume so he could convince his friends he was just delirious and he wasn't really Spider-Man. Classic Parker Luck right there. And now I want more and I'm not sure I have access to any more.

   To finish off, I will leave you with some Iron Dad and Spider Son, because this is SPOILERS all we're gonna get now. END SPOILERS

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Who's your favorite superhero? Did Batman die in Infinity War? TELL ME I NEED ANSWERS!!!

The Liebster Award

   I've never actually done the Liebster Award before, so when my lovely sister Morgan left her Liebster Award post open for takers, I jumped on the opportunity of doing it instead of actually finishing one of my blog post drafts or reading more about the British during the Revolution for my research paper. Thanks, Morgan!

The Rules:

Thank the person who nominated you

Answer the 11 questions they gave you

Name 11 facts about you

Nominate 11 bloggers to do this tag, and let them know

Give them 11 questions to answer

1. What is your favorite song?

You mean I have to pick? You evil person! Let's see... *scrolling through my "Favorites" playlist on Spotify*  Currently it's a tossup between "SHERlocked", "Song of Captivity and Freedom", and the entire Ratatouille soundtrack. Also "That's What Friends Are For (The Vulture Song)", "The Breaking of the Fellowship", "The Ellie Badge", and "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". I'm indecisive, okay?

2. Do you play an instrument? If so, which one, and if not, which one would you like to learn?

Yes. I play the piano. I've been taking paid lessons since 2008, with just a little gap the year we moved. I was my first teacher's first student.

3. Which book have you reread the most?
I'm not sure, but it's probably one of the Ilyon books. They are my comfort reads, after all.

4. What is your favorite day of the week?

I don't know. I'd say Sunday, except Sunday comes right before Monday, so it's a tossup between Sunday and Saturday. I also like Friday, but Friday generally contains school or work, so ick.

5. What is your favorite vacation place?

Disney World. Hands down. It is the happiest place on Earth, after all. I only wish I could go more. And that I could visit all the other Disney resorts.

6. Do you like spending time outside?

No. I would if there weren't so many stupid bugs outside, but I can't handle being in their home territory. Plus, the growing things want me to die, or at least lead a very miserable life. And I'm a wimp about extreme temperatures. But I do enjoy being outside, when the weather is mild and I'm all caught up on allergy meds and the bugs are away. Or it's winter. I do like winter. But chances are, I'd probably choose being inside over being outside.

7. What household chore do you dread most?

It used to be putting out pine straw and mowing. But we don't use pine straw in our landscaping anymore and our yard is too steep for anybody but my dad to mow (and occasionally my mom, if she goes a certain direction down the hill with the mower). So I can honestly say I don't know. Maybe doing dishes, but I don't hate it all that much.

8. Do you like driving? If you don't have your license yet, are you looking forward to getting it?

Yes, I do, when it doesn't terrify me. But no, I'm not looking forward to getting my license. Why, do you say? Because having your license means you have to pay for gas. And insurance.

9. Do you like sweet tea or dirty water (unsweet tea)?
Gross. No. Yuck. I hate cold tea. The only good tea is hot tea with plenty of milk and sugar. I refuse to pick a side in this culture war.

10. Are you registered to vote, or planning to register as soon as you are eligible?

No, I am not registered to vote. (Muahahaha!) I am counting down the days to after this year's election so I can register. I'm just upset there won't be anything to vote for next year.

11. What is the saddest movie you have ever seen?
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. That was the worst movie on the planet. The worst thing about it was it wasn't even plausible. SO WHY RIP VIEWERS' HEARTS TO SHREDS LIKE THAT???

1. I've never broken a bone or been stung. *knock on wood* I was not a very rambunctious child. And was banned from climbing trees because my mom thought I would hurt myself. I am accident-prone, so she was probably right.

2. I have walked into the wall before. PSA: Don't watch TV and perambulate.

3. I used to love The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror until it made me sick on my last Disney trip. Now, I refuse to go on any rides that drop straight down.

4. I have watched the National Dumpling Day Parade, the only parade that goes both ways at once, the only parade that spends zero dollars on floats, and the only parade that you don't know you're in until you hear them talking about you on the radio. Visit Disney's Hollywood Studios today and you can probably catch a similar parade in honor of Dinosaur Day or National Chocolate Chip Day or Straw Hat Day.

5. We used to have a "pet" green tree frog that always stuck around our house and sat outside on our dining room window at nights during the summer. He moved with us to our old house living in our grill. We named him Preston. But he died a few years ago.

6. I went door-to-door for Barry Loudermilk when I was three years old. He was running for state house and my dad and older sister were always going door-to-door for him. My sister and I would rather have actually gone door-to-door than sit in the car and watch other people do it, so my dad took each of us to a few houses. I wanted to keep doing it, but my parents wouldn't let me.

7. Gagging yourself doesn't quiet you. Neither does putting Scotch tape over your mouth. I would know, since I've done both.

8. I once asked my family to tie me to a post in case I was the next Harry Houdini. I wasn't.

9. I have legitimate arachnophobia. I stepped barefoot on a daddy long legs when I was three and have been uncontrollably terrified ever since.

10. I don't like getting dressed. I'd rather just wear pajamas. Getting dressed involves too many decisions.

11. I hate Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Luke Skywalker is my hero and it is not okay to portray him like that. He refused to kill his own father when his father was Darth freakin' Vader and you expect me to believe that he tried to kill his nephew when he just saw hints of darkness in him? NO. #NotmyLukeSkywalker (other things I hate about it: Rey's "big reveal" about her parentage, Snoke's death and Hux's consequent non-reveal as a big bad Sith Lord, green milk, Carrie Poppins, the whole Finn and Rose side-plot, and Admiral Holdo for starters. Finn and Rose are my NOTP.)

I'll try and nominate eleven bloggers, but unless they read this blog post, they probably won't find out about it, because I'm super shy and will not reach out to them and tell them.

Kendra Ardnek (you probably won't do this, but I'm nominating you anyway)

RhoXie Mans (did I spell it right? anyway, you know who you are)

Jaye L. Knight (you're probably super busy, but I'm doing this anyway)

Melanie Crone (you've done this before, haven't you? I hope you won't mind doing it again)

J. Grace Pennington 

Jack Lewis Baillot (I don't mind if you only get around to doing this in a year or so)

Tricia Mingerink

Maddy Crone (except you have a photography blog, so I don't know if you do stuff like this)

Aaaaaand that's all the people I know. Welp. At least I tried.

1. What's your favorite breed of dog?
2. What, in your opinion, is the worst movie ever?
3. Did you see Infinity War? If so, what did you think (especially of the ending)? If not, what outdated piece of technology are you sad is now obsolete?
4. Who is your favorite president?
5. If you found a magic lamp, what would your three wishes be?
6. Did you see The Last Jedi? If so, did you love it, hate it, or somewhere in between? If you didn't, how and why have you escaped for this long?
7. What upcoming movie are you most excited about?
8. What is your favorite childhood memory?
9. What is your biggest pet peeve?
10. Most favorite and least favorite things about growing up?
11. On a scale of one to becoming an isolated hermit, how disgusted are you with your generation?

Get Down Off the Soapbox, Please

   Many years ago, my family talked about how frustrating it was that, in entertainment, Christians preached a message while others made good entertainment, and, as a consequence, sin was completely taking over the culture. I've even written posts about how Christians should focus on making good art instead of preaching a message through their art. 

   Nowadays, things are a little different. Complaints are frequently heard about ABC's shows turning preachy, the most recent one being The Good Doctor. Rick Riordan's readership has dropped tremendously as many fans (me included) are turned off by his preachiness. And Disney movie after Disney movie seems like just an exposition for liberal agendas (Star Wars: The Last Jedi being one of the most recent). In some ways, it is a relief that lies aren't slipping into people's heads without them noticing. But in a way, it's really annoying. Our last source for good entertainment is now gone.

 

Could everybody please stop preaching when they're supposed to be telling stories?

   I mean, seriously. All I want is to spend a couple hours having a good time. I don't want to be hammered over the head that the world is ending and [insert name here] is the Antichrist or that everyone needs to stop throwing their water bottles in the trash. I don't want to spend the entire movie wondering how the directors thought a theological seminary would make a great movie or why almost every single man in the entire Resistance disappeared between movies. I go to church to hear preaching. I watch movies and TV shows and read books to be entertained.

  So please, authors, screenwriters, movie directors, etc., get down off the soapbox, go home, and find a church you can preach in. When you're ready to actually sit down and tell me a story, you'll find me over here waiting.

Spider-Man: Homecoming Review

   Anyone that knows me can tell you that I'm a huge fan of Spider-Man. I loved the original movies and I loved Spidey's appearance in Captain America: Civil War. (I wasn't a fan of the Amazing Spider-Man movies, but that's neither here nor there.) So needless to say, I was super excited when Spider-Man: Homecoming was released. I managed to convince my dad to take me to go see it not long after it came out, but due to Camp NaNo and other stuff, I haven't gotten around to doing such things as writing reviews for a while. So, without further ado, here is my (rather fangirly) review of the latest Spider-Man movie.

   First of all, this movie starts out hilariously. I loved how the original Spider-Man theme was incorporated into the intro music. The rest of the music was beautiful as well. Michael Giacchinno, while he couldn't measure up to John Williams with his Rogue One soundtrack, still did an amazing job with this movie.

   The technical aspects of this movie were very well done. Filming, lighting, acting, CGI, even the costumes were spectacularly done. Something so subtle and easily overlooked as costume design can really complement a story's plot and characters well, and this time they did so. Just something as simple as Peter's clothing choices says volumes about his character. 

   I mean, this t-shirt screams nerd:

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   Also, Peter's two different Spidey suits designed by Stark were beautiful. Just sayin'.
   The plot was amazing. It wasn't ridiculously predictable, way too complex, shallow and meaningless, or centered around a girl. It wasn't even in the vein of a typical superhero movie. It was very well-written. The plot points were all spot-on and powerful. The plot twist near the end was very unexpected, and the climax was masterful.

    The characters. Wow, the characters. They are some of the best parts of the movie. My favorite, naturally, was Peter Parker himself. He was a nerd, a dork, and a hero. And what's more, Marvel didn't feel the need to tell this to their audience. They just let it show. As a fellow super-dorky nerd, I really appreciated it. Peter was by no means perfect, but he had a good heart, and it showed. His character arc was amazing, and the center of the whole movie. His flaws were shown as clearly as his virtues, which takes bravery. He changed so beautifully. Alright, I'm done fangirling.
   The other characters were marvelous and deep. Tony has very obviously adopted Peter as his son, and is trying to do a better job fathering him than Howard Stark did with Tony. He states several times that he wants Peter to be a better person than he is. He makes some tough decisions and says some hard things to Peter that really help him overcome his flaws and struggles. Ned was a wonderful, loyal friend to Peter, and a great "guy in the chair." :) Peter's crush, Liz, was sweet, kind, and very understanding. And MJ was a star. She was hysterical, and I can't wait for more interaction between her and Peter in the future.
   The theme. Hardly separable from the character arc. It was so powerful and wonderful. Unfortunately, I'll have to see it more times before I'll be able to articulate further. Guess I'll just have to buy the DVD or something.
   All in all, this was a wonderful movie. I wouldn't recommend it to younger children, especially not without their parents viewing it first, mainly because of the language. You can read a good overview of the content concerns here. Despite all that, I would recommend it to teens and up, and for any Marvel fans or Spider-Man fans.
   Now, I just hope I get this movie for Christmas so I can rewatch it a ton.