32 Signs You're a Star Wars Super Fan

    AKA Signs you're a huge Star Wars nerd.

1. You know the difference between an AT-AT and an AT-ST.

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2. You will correct anyone who confuses the two.

3. You know who Sy Snootles is.

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4. You know who Sy Snootle's ex-boyfriend is.

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5. You really wish you didn't know that Sy Snootles ever had a boyfriend.

6. You know who Maximilian Veers is.

7. You can pick him out in The Empire Strikes Back.

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8. You know he has a son named Zevulon Veers that joined the Rebels.

9. You know that Jar-Jar Binks has a girlfriend.

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10. Not only do you know who Mara Jade is, you know what year she was born, the color of her eyes, and the manner of her death. And her employer. And the colors of her various lightsabers.

11. You can trace the path Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber took through its life. In both Star Wars universes.

12. You're afraid to know how many times you've watched Star Wars.

13. You know who Bib Fortuna is the instant you hear his name.

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14. You've heard of Tatooine, Klatooine, and Dantooine and know the differences between each planet.

15. You know Obi-Wan Kenobi's home planet's name.

16. You know who Porkins is.

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17. You know the band "Figran Dan and the Modal Nodes." And you enjoy their music.

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18. You can hear any Star Wars quote and instantly know what movie it's from, who said it, and what's happening in the scene it's in.

19. The Star Wars music from any part of any of the first six (or the only) movies is instantly recognizable to you, even though you don't listen to the soundtrack that often.

20. You know who Yaddle is and where she came from.

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21. You know every change George Lucas made to every Star Wars movie. And you don't actually hate all of them.

22. You know who Captain Panaka and Captain Typho are, and that Typho is Panaka's nephew.

23. You know what model of freighter the Millennium Falcon is...though of course it's heavily modified.

24. You know the names of the seven different lightsaber forms.

25. You know that while he was a padawan, Obi-Wan favored Ataru, but after Qui-Gon's death, he switched to Soresu.

26. You know that Qui-Gon Jinn wasn't all that great of a master.

27. You know that he only accepted Obi-Wan as his apprentice after Obi-Wan threatened to blow himself up to save Qui-Gon's life.

28. You know what an ysalamiri is and can recognize it in the background of any scene.

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29. You know that Jan Dodonna and Crix Madine both used to be Imperials.

30. You know that in Legends, Thrawn could not have disappeared into Wild Space with Ezra Bridger before the Battle of Yavin because he was briefly mentioned as Captain Thrawn meeting with the emperor after the Death Star blew up in Rebel Force with Crix Madine.

31. You know that Sebulba bought Anakin's pod when Qui-Gon sold it.

32. You know that Luke Skywalker once podraced.

I can't believe I know all that. What obscure Star Wars facts do you know?

The Death of Platonic Friendships

 

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   There seemed to be a bit of a movement a while back to recognize the importance of platonic (aka, not romantic) relationships for being just as important as romantic ones. But a groundswell has burst and suddenly platonic relationships in fiction are simply nowhere to be found. Even if there are platonic relationships in the piece of fiction itself, they are romanticized in the fanfiction. Case in point: Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is such a friendly guy, he makes platonic friendships with everyone. He's really close to Han and Leia, who end up being his sister and brother-in-law, which is a perfect representation of what their relationships ended up like. The father-son relationship between Luke and Vader is at the center of the entire trilogy. And yet, I have seen Star Wars fanfiction with Luke Skywalker having a romantic relationship with Han, with Leia, with Vader, and even occasionally with Palpatine. In fanfiction, you can find the strangest pairings imaginable, often based on the barest hints of platonic friendships between characters in the actual story. I'm not even going to open the can of worms that is the pairings in the Sequel Trilogy, but believe me, they are much worse than what I've just said about the Original Trilogy (and I haven't even gotten into the weirdness that is the Leia/Boba Fett ship. What even).

   This tendency to make everything romantic is obviously not staying in the realm of fanfiction. Tom Holland is accused of being gay because he has a best friend that is a guy whom he is roommates with now (which is just what Peter Parker did in the comics, moving in with his best friend Harry Osborne in college, and Peter Parker was very much a ladies' man). And this tendency is growing into the realms of the very disturbing; have you heard of the term "age is just a number" recently? In case you're wondering, this is a phrase excusing massive age gaps in romantic relationships. Not supporting this tendency seems to get people called homophobic, or worse. And yet, how many of us have had the relationships in our lives be solely romantic or sexual ones? Absolutely none of us. Most parents and children don't have a romantic relationship. Many siblings enjoy a close relationship and are never attracted to each other romantically. Sibling relationships are so very rarely portrayed in fiction, and yet when they are (Elsa and Anna, Thor and Loki), many see their relationships as romantic. I had a close best friend of my own age and gender for seven years, and never once was romantically attracted to her.

   My point is this: society today is trying to say that it's okay now to be whoever you want to be, and that women don't need a man to validate them, etc., but if you look at the way they treat everything as romantic these days, it's clear they actually believe the opposite is true. Everything in this culture seems to revolve around romantic relationships these days. If someone isn't attracted to someone of the opposite gender, they must be gay. If someone is close friends with anyone at all, no matter who they may be, they must be romantically involved. And it's incredibly damaging. We're essentially telling all the kids that they are worthless unless they have some sort of romantic relationship. And yet, of the demographics of romantic relationships, the ones the least properly represented is the one we all start out as: single. Everybody grows up single. Some people stay single, and that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them, as the label "asexual" seems to imply. We all have incredibly fulfilling platonic relationships with people from all walks of life, with family, with coworkers, with best friends, with professors and teachers and anyone else that we may meet.

   It's okay if such-and-such relationship is platonic. It's okay to portray platonic relationships in media. It's okay for people to have best friends and roommates of the same gender and not be romantically attracted to each other. It's okay for men and women to have close, non-romantic relationships. And it's okay for you to be single, now, yesterday, and forever. After all, as the Apostle Paul said, "Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am."

   Let's not forget the value of simple friendships. We all have them, and sometimes, they're the most important relationships we can have.

The Biggest Lie About Disney Women

   There are some people out there that claim Disney princesses are not good role models for women because they are apparently all flat, boring pushovers that rely on men to save them. To which I have to say, they must never have watched a Disney movie before. Flat, boring pushovers? Waiting around for men to save them? Let me introduce you to the Disney princesses I know.

Rapunzel

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  True, Rapunzel didn't physically leave her tower until Flynn Rider climbed up there. But he didn't exactly sweep her off her feet and carry her from her undesirable circumstances. He was simply fleeing pursuit by the authorities. Rapunzel hit him on the head with a frying pan, tied him to a chair, and forced him to escort her to see the one thing she'd always dreamed of. She simply seized opportunity when it came knocking at her, well, window. Would she have left if Flynn Rider hadn't ever climbed into her tower? Maybe not that year, but eventually, she probably would have gotten fed up and left to go fulfill her dream. Rapunzel is a very determined, though naive, woman who doesn't seem to take no for an answer. And let's examine what she did in the rest of the movie: she convinced an entire tavern of terrifying thugs to forgo money and not turn Flynn in to the authorities and not take advantage of a naive sweet girl, but instead help her on her way to her goals. Her winning ways change the heart of Flynn, and, ultimately, she's brave enough to make a huge show of trust in giving him his incentive to escort her safely there and back while waiting to see the lights. She convinces Javert in horse form to leave the desperate criminal he's been hunting alone. Once she sees through her "mother's" lies, she turns her back on her and tries to leave her abusive situation. She is willing to give up her freedom to save Flynn's life. Indeed, in the end, Flynn doesn't save Rapunzel from much at all. She saves his life and changes his heart. (This is not to negate the awesome sweetness of Flynn's sacrificing his life for Rapunzel's freedom. That's still one of the greatest moments in Disney history.) Flat boring pushover? Not here.

Tiana

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   Tiana kind of got the short end of the stick when it came to movies, but that doesn't detract from what an awesome character she is. In fact, I think she may be my favorite of all Disney princesses. Unfortunately, the theme of her movie seemed to be, "You're not fulfilled unless you have a guy-any guy, but preferably a rich one that can fund your goals." Nevertheless, Tiana is a hardworking goal-driven woman who won't let anything hold her back from what she wants; not the Great Depression, not racism, not a lack of money. She held down several jobs and sacrificed to achieve her dream of opening a Cajun restaurant. She certainly didn't wait around for anyone else to do things for her. I think what Disney meant for her movie to say theme-wise was something like, "Don't let life pass you by," but that's certainly not what the movie portrayed. She didn't give up her morals for the man she married, but definitely deserved better than what she got. Naveen is certainly no role model extraordinaire, but Tiana is pretty great.

Mulan

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   Although she's technically not a princess any way you cut it, somehow, Mulan wound up on the list of official Disney princesses. Which is nice, because she's pretty great. She doesn't fit in with the expectations of her country's culture for females, and even though she tries to fill them, she always fails. Then her father is called to war, but he's too old and too injured from the last war he fought in, so Mulan sacrifices her own life to save her father's. She masquerades as a man because women aren't allowed in the army, becomes a soldier, defeats the Hun army with her ingenuity, saves her commanding officer's life, then follows her unit after being thrown out for being a female and defeats the remaining Huns, saving the emperor of China and her entire country. She returns to civilian life bringing home honor to her family name and a pretty great guy to boot. Sign me up for the next war!

Pocahontas

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   Setting aside the fact that the real Pocahontas was eleven and none of the events this movie is based on probably actually happened because John Smith was a serial liar, there's no getting around the fact that this whole story is based on the premise of Pocahontas standing up to her father and saving John Smith's life. This is another story about a young woman standing against what her culture demands of her to do what is right. Never mind the fact that the history is all wrong and the love story was created out of thin air and the animators clearly never set foot in Jamestown in their lives before. Seriously. There are no tall cliffs or waterfalls anywhere in the vicinity. It's a freaking swamp, for crying out loud!

Jasmine

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   "I am not just some prize to be won!" Jasmine, in the animated movie, is a feisty princess that refuses to marry a stuffed shirt and instead insists on marrying for love. Outrageous demands, right? Well, they seem to be too hard for her father at first, but Jasmine isn't budged. She just sends her tiger after any undesirable suitors. She even tries to send Aladdin packing when he's bungling his words so much he makes it seem like all he cares about with Jasmine is her money. She's brave enough to kiss (gross) Jafar to distract him from Aladdin stealing the lamp back, and is super understanding when Aladdin is revealed to be a street rat, not a prince. She's a brave woman who won't stand for injustice, and that's definitely something we should strive after in this world. Also, she's from one of my very favorite Disney movies, so...

Belle

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   She's sweet but spunky. She doesn't fit in in her town and longs for more than what her life consists of. She loves books, doesn't care for the handsome jerk, and craves adventure. When her father goes missing, she tracks him down, then trades her freedom for his. Her curiosity gets her in a bit of trouble, which causes the Beast to blow up at her. She storms off, unable to take it anymore, and fights valiantly against a pack of angry wolves. Unfortunately, she's almost unable to fight them off. Thankfully, the Beast comes to her rescue, then collapses. Ignoring the call to freedom, Belle drags him back to his home and her prison, takes care of his wounds, and yells at him for losing his temper. The Beast starts to change, and Belle starts to fall in love with him, but when she sees her father is sick, she leaves to go tend him. She defends her father and the Beast to an angry mob, then races across snowy, wolf-infested woods at night to try and save the Beast from her townspeople. She doesn't arrive in time to participate in the final fight, but she comforts the Beast as he dies. (Spoiler: it doesn't last.) Belle is strong and spunky and feisty. I have a formal Belle dress, and it's amazing. She's amazing. (And so is my sister, who made the dress.)

Ariel

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   Heheheh...heheheh...yeah...I can't defend her. She sells herself into slavery to a sea witch for a chance to woo a man she met once. Eric is a great guy, but Ariel is a spoiled brat. Definitely not a great role model. Grow up, girl.

Aurora

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   ...   She seems pretty nice. She can sing and dance and probably cook. But honestly, she spends most of the movie asleep. The fairies and Phillip are the heroes of this movie. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather are pretty great. They save the entire kingdom, with the help of Phillip, because it was a bit hard for them to fight a dragon by themselves. Sorry, but this one's probably where all the accusations have their birth. There's really not much to her.

Cinderella

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   I don't care what anyone says, she's much prettier in this than in her ball gown. Cinderella is kind to everyone, even the animals most people consider vermin, and even the evil cat (I'm convinced Walt Disney hated cats). She doesn't complain about becoming a servant to her step family, and doesn't even consider leaving. All she wants is to go to a party, which, considering her depressing life, is quite understandable. When her stepsisters rip up the dress she and her mice friends worked very hard on, she's upset and storms out. After her fairy godmother salvages the evening, she goes to the party and meets a nice young man, whom she doesn't realize is the prince. She goes home after midnight, content to enjoy the memory of her nice evening at the ball. Prince Charming coming to propose to her is just a cherry on top for her, and a victory for her future father-in-law, who had set up the entire ball just so he could have grandchildren. I think she would have been pretty happy without a man coming to "rescue" her. I may be biased, though, since I grew up on this movie.

Snow White

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   Yes, she literally gets saved by the prince at the end of the movie. I don't care. She's just a kid. She does her best, despite being enslaved by her stepmother just because she's good looking. Then her stepmother sends an assassin after her. Naturally, when the hunter tells her to run, she runs. She always tries to be brave and always tries to be cheerful. After she stops running, she says, "I'm so ashamed of the fuss I made!" As if she should be ashamed of freaking out when someone tells her they were sent to kill her. Then she manages to take care of seven bachelors while in hiding for her life. So she's also a hopeless romantic and a little naive. So what? Girls could learn to be that cheerful.

Then of course there's Merida and Moana, but they don't even have romantic interests.

So what do you think? Are Disney princesses just flat characters only saved by men that would make terrible role models or much more? Who's your favorite Disney princess?

Books I Wish I Hadn't Read

   It's been too long since I wrote a blog post. It's not been a great year and I'm not in a great mood (probably because pollen is stupidly high again #ihatespring), so why not write about all the books I loathe?

The Insider by Ridley Pearson

   I read the entire series, even fighting the dragging plot at times, waiting for the conclusion, and when I get to it, I'm confronted with this. First of all, who the heck crowd-writes a book? Crowd-funding I get, but crowd-writing? The author literally published his outline on the internet and had other people write it for him. In the places where he just copied and pasted the internet peoples' writing into the book (and it happened quite a bit), he credited them by putting their name down at the bottom of the page (which was incredibly distracting). It didn't help that the sentences were choppy and didn't fit together very well. He also randomly switched to present tense for this book, when all the rest of the books in this seven-book series were written in past tense. The plot was awkward, contrived, and unrealistic. There was a random maybe-betrayal by a very important character that was never explained at all. The characters were cardboard and, though the series spanned five or more years, they never changed. At the beginning of the series, the main character started a will-they-won't-they relationship, and after five years, he's still acting like a boy in the middle of puberty trying to ask his first crush out on a date. And he's been in a steady relationship with the same girl for FIVE STINKING YEARS. The all-anticipated event of the story was the appearance of Mickey Mouse, and even though literally every other Disney character the kids have encountered so far can talk, Mickey can't. Some all-powerful king-of-the-characters he was. What a humongous letdown. And at the end of this stupid book, I was whacked over the head with the "hint" that there was going to be another series, which I personally would rather shoot myself than read.

A Whole New World by Liz Braswell

   If the light-hearted fun adventure is what you love about Disney's Aladdin most, then this book is your worst nightmare. The first fourth of the book rehashes the movie while constantly changing little details for no good reason. Then, when it finally gets to the twist, it quickly takes a dive into the ridiculously dark. Right off the bat, Jafar murders the sultan, then cuts up the magic carpet, creates a zombie army, destroys Agrabah, tortures the genie and countless random citizens, and strips the genie of all his magical powers turning him human so none of this can be put right again. And at the end Jafar turns out to be crazy and talking to an imaginary Iago because he apparently murdered the real one so he could have a tiny glimpse into the future that didn't seem to affect the story any. The other characters aren't anything like they were in the movie, either. I'm not sure if Aladdin lies even once, and in this version of the story, he directly causes the death of a cop friend (he's a street rat, he shouldn't have a cop friend) by knocking a pillar onto him, which crushes him. #lightheartedfamilyfun Jafar is a psychotic murderer, Jasmine is a revolutionary (???), and, apparently, Aladdin's dad ran off and left him. This is an adaptation of a Disney movie for crying out loud. He's supposed to be dead! They're always dead! Ugh. Some of the Twisted Tales are good, but not this one.

Walden by Henry David Thoreau

   I bet you didn't know that sunlight reflects off water. Henry David Thoreau did, which is why he's better than you.
   Thoreau is ridiculously contradictory ("People should never cut down trees!" Borrowed an ax from his neighbor so he could cut down trees around his pond. "Trains are awful and noisy and loud and I hate them!" Can't be bothered to move further into the wilderness to where he won't be able to hear the trains anymore. "People should do whatever I want, you shouldn't just emulate what I'm doing, but if you're not doing what I am, you're stupid."). He's also weird. Who loves wasps? They are not a thing to be invited into bed with you! Also, he never locks his door so people can come in and stay whenever, and condemns any who do, defending his decision with "I only got stolen from once!" You may like to get stolen from, but I, good sir, do not. When there were several feet of snow on the ground and impending snowstorms, Thoreau tramped ten miles through the woods on snowshoes to visit his favorite trees. He's also incredibly boring. Nobody cares that he spent 8.74 on groceries for eight months. Or how much he spent on bricks. He certainly doesn't need to defend his spending a bunch on watermelons. He doesn't need to tell everyone that sunlight reflects off water like it's new information to us, or describe in detail his lengthy day hoeing beans. Frankly, no one really cares. And he's arrogant. He assumes that unless the reader is told, we're going to think that the Cicero that built a fence near Walden Pond is the same Cicero as the Roman philosopher that lived before Christ. And he assumes that anyone who is poor has committed crimes. This is a stupid, boring, pointless book that I hope never to read again.

Eldest by Christopher Paolini

   I had heard the name Eragon for a while, so I finally decided to read the series. MISTAKE. I wasted countless hours of my life reading this stupid series. Unfortunately, I rarely drop series, so I didn't drop this one. I wish I had. Eragon was like a Lord-of-the-Rings version of Star Wars, and this was like The Empire Strikes Back, except without all the excitement, and with an addition of a fun murderer as a side character. This book drags on and on and on. The whole point of the book is for Eragon to train with the elves so he can defeat the not-actually-evil government, but it takes hundreds of agonizingly slow pages for him to actually get there! And once he does, the training is agonizingly long and boring too. Also peppered with philosophical musings on any subject under the sun, like how all enlightened people (read: elves) are atheists, and how evil it is for Eragon to eat meat because he's *gasp* telepathic! There is one long section devoted to Eragon watching ants (smacks of Walden, methinks). The only kind of exciting parts are the parts with Eragon's cousin Roran, who almost gets his entire town murdered because he won't tell the police any information about his criminal cousin who stole a dragon egg (like, he's a legitimate thief). Then Roran decides to go on a murderous rampage (I wish I was exaggerating), slaughtering anybody who come in his way. He even counts his kills. Eragon spends the entire book whining about his random on-and-off agonizing back pain (which implausibly came from a sword wound to his back) and Arwen-I mean Arya's rejection of him. Yeah, cry me a river, Eragon. She made it clear from the moment she met you she wasn't interested. Finally, Eragon gets magically transformed into an elf, which gets rid of all his scars and also his chronic back pain. How does this happen, you may ask? Two identical twin elf girls strip and stand naked back to back and jiggle so the tattoo on their back can come to life and release the spirit of the dragon. I want to die right now. I actually own this book and I seriously want to burn it.

Brisinger by Christopher Paolini

   I was stupid enough to keep reading this series. As I said, I rarely drop series. Thankfully, there are no more naked elves in this book. Unfortunately, there's plenty of other awful things to make up for it. For instance, Eragon kills an animal to eat and feels so sorry for it because he's telepathic, so he decides to become vegetarian (although that could have happened in the last book; after all this time they blend together). Also, Eragon turns out to be super violent and even lets himself be possessed by a demon at one point so he can use more magic. He spends waaaaay too long making a magic sword, and every inch of the way is described in excruciating detail. Also, Paolini decided he was tired of being accused of writing Star Wars and decided that Luke Skywalker (I mean Eragon) wasn't actually the son of Darth Vader (I honestly can't remember the guy's name at this point). Instead, Obi-Wan was his father. Which makes no sense and is full of plot holes, but anyway. Roran, the violent cousin of Eragon, has apparently been sleeping with his girlfriend this entire time because "he might as well take liberties with her" since she's afraid of him doing that anyway and now she's pregnant. So Eragon performs a rushed marriage for Roran and his stupid girlfriend and Eragon is just wildly excited about the whole thing. Then the fun zombie army shows up. The metaphors and dialogue are ridiculous (the book actually has the dialogue "Die, puny humans!"), the exposition is everywhere, the book is super bloated, and the magic system is stupid at best. There's apparently this Ancient Language (which the elves speak in all the time) that is magic and shapes the world and if you say fire in it you get fire, and if you get pronunciations wrong, you might accidentally curse a baby to grow up fast and have powers instead of blessing it. Yeah. Also, it was ridiculously gory (partially because of the zombie army) and this might have been the one in which there was a bizarre cult in which the people constantly hacked off their limbs to show their devotion for their god. Are you grossed out? Because I'm grossed out. Also, Eragon is a self-righteous jerk. Just sayin'.

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

   And enter the infamous fingernails. What am I talking about, you may ask? I am talking about the three LOOOOONG pages of description of a man's fingernails in excruciating detail. And the worst part of it? You don't even find out the character's name. This is in the completely irrelevant side plot of a minor character being tortured. Why she was fascinated with the man's fingernails is beyond me. But the fingernails come back. Every time the man is in her torture chamber, the stupid fingernails take center stage. How could they not when they've been described so thoroughly?
   If you can't tell, this book is just as bloated as the others. Eragon learns to manipulate reality with his magic Ancient Language (and still can't win the granite cliff of a girl he still hasn't stopped pining over), manipulates the emotions of a little girl, kills the bad guy with sadness, and finds some dragon eggs. There are also copious amounts of pages describing a former dragon's struggle coming to terms with his new life as an inanimate object. But as a plus, this book meant the end of the series (I hope).

Unwind by Neal Shusterman

   This book makes me want to puke. It was so so horrible. It was freaky and creepy and horrifying and it probably scarred me for life. It's not even remotely plausible, and yet... I'm getting shivers down my spine just thinking about it. The premise is that after a huge civil war in America over abortion, the two sides settled on a "compromise" in which abortion is illegal but 13- to 18-year-olds can be "unwound" (read: murdered), and then everything in their body is used as organ donation for somebody else. And apparently this appeased everybody. The guy wrote this book to make everyone think abortion is awful (which it is), but there's no way this book accomplishes that. Abortion is illegal in the world of this book, and no one even thinks about having one. Issues actually addressed in this book are: organ donation, suicide bombers, caffeine addiction, and (apparently) Frankenstein. He creates a straw man to destroy in this book in hopes it will make pro-choice people feel guilty. Nobody would ever agree to the "compromise" at the end of this war he talks about! Pro-life people like me see all life as sacred and would never agree to killing teenagers as an alternative to killing unborn babies. Pro-choice people would never agree to this as an alternative to abortions (what exactly is the point of killing the child after you've spent thirteen years raising them?). That doesn't fit with the beliefs of anyone on either side and therefore can't be a compromise. Also, the science is so false you couldn't sneeze at it. You expect me to believe you can just put a piece of someone's brain in someone else's brain and expect it to work? That there won't be compatibility issues? That psychologists and psychiatrists and brain surgeons didn't go, "This could be catastrophic for the mental health of patients with brain damage"? And the religious parts are even more disturbing. A debate throughout the entire book is whether "unwinding" (killing a kid and harvesting their entire body for parts) is death. Apparently, the consensus the author came to is "No," because at the end of the book, there's a whole collection of people who got a body part from this one kid in a room, and every single one of them is talking so that it's one monologue like the dead kid is talking and they actually remember memories of the dead kid's life. As if you get a kidney or a lung from a man and you suddenly share his soul. The entire book is just sick and wrong, and seems to be simultaneously scaring people away from organ donation and making them feel guilty for not being organ donors because "if more people had been organ donors, this never would have happened." There are other weird bits as well, like the fact that caffeine is considered a drug on the level of cocaine and is banned (say bye bye to chocolate). And "clapping", where people get their bodies filled with an explosive substance, go to a random place, clap their hands, and blow up. It's a weird form of suicide bombing that's apparently pretty popular, even though it's not religiously or politically motivated, so it's hard to know why anybody actually does it. And storking. Not explaining it because it's just too weird. Also, it's not even well-written. The characters are flat, the emotions are shallow, and the character arc of one kid is kind of unbelievable, probably only because it wasn't shown at all, so he just turns off-screen from a sweet little kid into a suicide bomber. I hate this book so much and it will haunt me forever. Apparently the next book is a ridiculously creepy-sounding Frankenstein retelling. I'd stay far away from this book.

   That was very therapeutic. I feel much better now. What are some books you intensely loath and why? Tell me in the comments!

The Disney Parents Theme Song

   I was musing on the tendency of Disney parents to inevitably die and decided to write a parody about it. I wrote it to the tune of The Monkees Theme Song. If you're not familiar with it, I've provided it down below. What do you think of this parody? Tell me in the comments!

Here we come

Onto your TV

We get these suspicious looks from

Ev’ryone we meet

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

Nobody ever is safe, ‘cause

They’re Disney parents, too

You don’t have time to get ‘ttached, ‘fore

They’re also dying, too

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

We never are diff’rent

We never ever stick around

We’ve scarred all generations

From Bambi all the way down

Any time

Or anywhere

If it’s a Disney movie

We will be dying there!

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

We never are diff’rent

We never ever stick around

We’ve scarred all generations

From Bambi all the way down

Hey, we’re Disney parents

Hey, we’re Disney parents

Disney World!!!

   You probably didn't notice my absence from the Internet a couple weeks ago. (I guess sporadic schedules are useful after all.) Well, instead of just procrastinating on finishing unfinished blog posts, I was at Walt Disney World. Yeah, I have a great excuse this time. And I got a lot of pictures.

The welcome sign at the Fort Wilderness Resort area

   There's nothing that can be compared to staying at a Walt Disney World hotel. Staying on site at Disney World is so different than booking in a hotel in yucky Orlando. Yes, it's more expensive, but it's soo worth it. Stepping into another world, Disney World, and not leaving for a week or more is just so refreshing. There's a reason my dad got addicted to Disney World vacations.
   This was our first time ever staying at the Walt Disney World campground. Ridiculously cheaper than the other resorts, but still with that touch of Disney magic. The campsites were perfectly level, the bath houses were amazingly clean, and the cast members were, as always, incredibly nice and accommodating. Our campsite was right across from the bath houses and the bus stop, and right next to the trash, which was all incredibly convenient. And we didn't even need flashlights to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Our stay at the campground featured: tiny frogs the size of beetles that were adorable, large frogs that emerged during the rain (one of which took a ride on my sister), lizards everywhere, bold squirrels, and deer.
   We got up very early in the morning (I'm talking 3 or 4 am) to drive down to Disney (cause we're just nuts like that). Despite the car's air condition blowing out halfway through the trip, we made it to the campground in plenty of time to leisurely set up camp, stop at the pool, stroll around Downtown Disney, sorry, Disney Springs, eat dessert at Ghirardelli's, and sit out on the campground beach and watch Magic Kingdom fireworks. It was a nice and relaxing day. Also, the only relaxing day of our vacation. What can I say? We're just not relax-for-a-week type of people.
 

Spaceship Earth at EPCOT with the Food and Wine Festival decor

   This was our first time going to Disney World during the EPCOT International Food and Wine Festival, and it was an...experience. I definitely prefer the Christmas season to Halloween decorations and drunk visitors, though. Also, the Christmas season is a lot cooler, which is a big plus, considering the 90-degree weather we had to push through all week.

   EPCOT is so cool. All the different countries are so interesting, and the rides in Future World are so cool. Fun fact, Walt Disney himself actually planned EPCOT out, though he intended it to be an actual city (hence the name Experimental Prototype City Of Tomorrow). You can see his original plan for it on the People Mover in Tomorrowland at the Magic Kingdom.

   The new Soarin' is amazing. Flying all around the world is so cool. Mission: Space (the tame version, naturally) has an all-new video flying around the Earth. The video is crystal clear and very amazing. I don't hate the new Test Track as much as I used to; it seems they're making it a little more abrupt, which is good. And the single-rider line for Test Track is a life saver, practically a walk-on. What are a few strangers compared to a non-existent wait time?

   The new Frozen ride in Norway isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sure, it's fun, but it's exactly the same as the old ride, Maelstrom, except with Frozen decorations instead. Cool, but not worth the ridiculously long wait times.

   For the rest of it...here, just look at some pictures. They are in no discernible order.

"Bubbles!" fish from Finding Nemo in The Seas building.
There was a Dory fish as well, but I couldn't get a good picture of it.

IllumiNations: Reflections of Earth, EPCOT's night show

The greenhouses in Living with the Land.

Mickey head in the shrimp tank at Living with the Land

This is a model of the moon outside Mission: Space.
Those spots on it are all the lunar modules left behind in its surface.

My parents in front of Spaceship Earth

Spaceship Earth

A stained glass window in a shop in Germany

Water Chestnuts on Living with the Land

   Ah, Magic Kingdom. Probably my favorite park. Although it wasn't half as good with Splash Mountain closed for refurbishment. So not fair. It would have been wildly popular, too, because of the heat (90-degree weather every afternoon). One would think that the rain on the last day would have been refreshing. It wasn't. Thankfully it didn't last long. 

   I'm not used to so many people being at the Magic Kingdom with me. It was really annoying. I'm not used to people being able to afford going to Disney World. And I'm really not used to so many people wearing Disney merchandise. Oh well, it was still amazingly fun.
   Highlights of Magic Kingdom included: watching a new (and disappointing) fireworks show, my dad getting chosen to be Randall at the Monster, Inc., Laugh Floor, a couple dressed as Yzma and Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove in line for Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin (unfortunately, I didn't think to take a picture), and getting evacuated off of Space Mountain.
   Yes, I was evacuated off of Space Mountain. It was my first time ever getting evacuated off a ride before. We were going up about to take off on the roller coaster part when the ride stopped. A few seconds later, the lights turned on. That's when I knew it was really broken. We took pictures and waved at the people riding by in the People Mover while listening to announcements that "a cast member will come to assist you momentarily." Finally they came, got us out of the ride vehicle, told us not to take any more pictures, and led us out. We actually walked under the track (and had to make sure not to hit our head and get electrocuted). We were given fastpasses that allowed us to go back on the ride when they fixed it later in the day, so that was cool.

My dad's selfie inside Space Mountain while waiting for the cast members to come rescue us.

My dad's picture of us and the hill we were about to go down. That's me in the very front.

The inside of Space Mountain with the lights on, courtesy of my sister. My pictures came out blurry. Yes, those walls are cinder blocks, so far as I can tell.

Here are the other pictures from the Magic Kingdom, these ones all from my camera.

Ariel and Eric on the Under the Sea ride.

Beast's castle

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad from The Liberty Belle.

The first float in the Festival of Fantasy Parade.

The finale of Great Moments in History...But Just the American Parts! conducted by the Muppets in Liberty Square.

A hearse outside the Haunted Mansion

The entrance of the Magic Kingdom

Buildings on Main Street, U.S.A. with fall decorations

Fall decorations on Main Street, U.S.A.

This robot was wandering around talking to people outside Space Mountain. He gave a lady his number.

Roy Disney and Minnie Mouse on Main Street, U.S.A.

The Eighth Wonder of the World...the Backside of Water!
Find this and more on the world famous Jungle Cruise, famous around the world for being world famous.

The Magic Carpets of Aladdin, which is basically just like Dumbo with spitting camels.

This sign is hanging above the entrance to the Magic Kingdom. I got just one picture as we walked by.

   Next we visited Disney's Hollywood Studios, a park that is in a constant identity crisis. The fewer attractions open let us enjoy a slower pace when we were there. The second day we visited Hollywood Studios, it rained. But that didn't stop us from enjoying some wonderful Star Wars fireworks.

   I've always enjoyed the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. It drops straight down in free fall, giving its riders the experience of zero gravity. Well, it's never messed with me before, but now it's apparent I'm not cut out to be an astronaut. The instant it dropped the first time, I became sick. Thankfully, I kept my lunch, and recovered while chilling out with my dad watching the 1,999th Annual National Dumpling Day Parade, the only parade that goes both ways down the parade route at the same time, and you don't know you're in it until you're already being talked about.

The radio commentators on the National Dumpling Day Parade, which was basically just these two guys making fun of everybody that walked by.

   I had a fastpass for Tower of Terror on the second day, but I wasn't eager to repeat my experience, so we managed to get my fastpass switched to the Frozen Singalong my mom and sister were already going to and attended that instead.

My sister and me outside the hysterical Frozen Singalong.

   There is a lot of Star Wars: The Last Jedi merchandise in Hollywood Studios. I did my very best to scour it and try and figure out what the new movie is about. My scavenger hunt turned up: a girl X-wing pilot named Rose, a mysterious little creature called a Porg which is adorable and the plushies are ridiculously soft (they feature in the new The Last Jedi trailer, in case you're wondering), a shirt containing a kneeling Kylo Ren staring at his helmet, and The Last Jedi trading cards featuring Rey and Anakin on the box. Portends of an Anakin Force-ghost? Who knows. But I really want to see the movie now.

   Oh, and I might have spotted the construction of the entrance into Star Wars Land. But I didn't take pictures. Here are some of the pictures I did take:

Army man welcoming people into Toy Story Midway Mania.

The Beauty and the Beast Stage. My favorite part of the show is the crowd laughter at the phrase, "Through a series of strange circumstances, Belle ends up at the Beast's castle."

The Chinese Theater, the emblem of Hollywood Studios now that my beloved hat is gone.
Also the future home of Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway. I'm excited for it, but I still really miss the Great Movie Ride.

The finale of the show "Star Wars: A Galaxy Far, Far Away."

I still hate this guy... we skipped meeting him in the Launch Bay when we met Chewbacca and BB-8.

Because who doesn't want to ride a high-speed roller coaster while listening to "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)"?
Also, the Single Rider Line for this ride is a life saver.

The entrance to Toy Story Midway Mania, still one of the most popular rides in Walt Disney World.

   What's next? Animal Kingdom. The only reason most people are going there right now is for Pandora and the rides there. Well, when we got there, they were broken. Both of them. For half the day. The boat ride was broken all day, and the next day as well. The banshee ride was fixed in the afternoon (but broke again the next day). Annoyingly, this flooded the park with all the people that were only there to ride the Avatar rides. Also, I came down with a cold that day. And it rained pretty much the entire afternoon. But it still wound up being fun.

   I wasn't a big fan of the movie...okay, I absolutely hated it. It creeped me out. It squandered a lot of potential (like the high concept and the beautiful settings and the science they could have explored with their weird religious spirit tree). And it was basically the movie Pocahontas with blue people. But, as I said, the settings were beautiful. And so was Pandora land in the Animal Kingdom. And I can totally understand why people are waiting two, three, even four hours for the Flight of Passage ride. It really is that amazing (though I'm still glad we had a fastpass). I don't think that ride will ever get less popular, honestly.

   After dinner, my mom and I were tired and wet and we didn't care to see the night show, so we went back to the camper and chilled. We drank tea and watched Star Trek and stayed warm and dry. It was nice.

   Here are my pictures.

African plain on Kilimanjaro Safari.

Animal Kingdom entrance.

Fake baobab tree that never actually blooms.

Beetle carving on the Tree of Life.

Mysterious blue things in Pandora. I'm not sure what they are, but they look cool.

Elephant carving on the Tree of Life. It can be seen in line for It's Tough to Be a Bug. I hate it, but it has air conditioning.

Elephant pool on Kilimanjaro Safari. Notice the steps.

Flights of Wonder stage. Not the Pandora ride, a cool bird show. It got rained out, but they invited everyone to stay in the seats, because they, unlike the stage, were out of the rain.

Floating mountains in Pandora.

This gorilla got right up to the glass.

Sleeping lions on the Kilimanjaro Safari.

Pandora gardens. I'm not sure what that cord in the middle of the picture is.

More gardens in Pandora.

This mysterious-looking object was a misting station just inside the entrance of Pandora.

The pavement in Pandora. It's cool, alright?

Fake termite mounds on Kilimanjaro Safari.

The Tree of Life.

The Tree of Life from underneath.

This lovely turtle can be seen on one of the walking trails in the Animal Kingdom.

Waterfall and floating mountain in Pandora.

   Not all of my pictures were exclusively Disney things. I got a couple cool ones of flowers and one of wood grain on The Liberty Belle.

   This post is already ridiculously long. But I really want to show all the wonderful characters I got my picture with. I met so many cool people this trip!

Minnie and me in Magic Kingdom.

Mickey and me in Epcot.

My sisters and me with Chewie in the Star Wars Launch Bay.

Minnie  and me in EPCOT.

My sisters and me with Goofy in EPCOT.

My sisters and me with BB-8 in the Star Wars Launch Bay.

My sisters and me with Belle in EPCOT.

Us with Chewie in the Star Wars Launch Bay.

My family and me with Daisy in Magic Kingdom.