Men Prefer Girls Who Have Been Shut Up in a Basement Their Entire Life

*This is satire and should not be taken seriously*   

   Despite the fact that I am in fact female and am not a psychologist, I am definitely an authority on what guys like in women and how you should arrange your entire life to ensure catching one.

   Guys hate girls that go to college, because every single guy that might ask you out disagrees one hundred percent with every single college on the planet. When girls go to college, they learn things. Some of these things will be contrary to what every guy on the planet believes in, so girls should definitely never go to college, because disagreement between married couples in anything can lead to divorce, which is from Satan. Women are gullible, and whenever anybody tells them something is true, they believe it, which makes college especially dangerous for them. (It's perfectly okay for men to go to college. They're strong-minded and can never be swayed from any minor tenet of their beliefs which are already exactly correct at age eighteen.)

   A female with a job will never be dated. All women with jobs are feminist social justice warriors who hate men and love protesting, or something like that. Whatever the reason, I'm perfectly convinced that any woman who has a job will die alone or marry a godless Satan-worshiper who vaccinates his children and doesn't use essential oils. You could even end up married to a man who hasn't read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, God-breathed just like the rest of Scripture. Can you say #unequallyyoked?

   Also a big turn-off for guys are marks on the skin. Any female with marks on her skin is violating that verse in the Bible forbidding tattoos. Freckles? More like SATAN MARKS! God said not to put marks on your skin, so clearly you're violating the Bible here. True women have surgery to get freckles removed. To be honest, even tanned skin is kind of sketchy. It's not like you were born that way! To be safe, just stay in a dark room at all times to avoid any kind of Satan marks. The ideal women should have skin whiter than Snow White herself.

   All women know that the only thing worth doing in your life is getting married, so get out there and stay in your basement and let's do this thing! Guys will come flocking to your dad in no time.

The Disney Parents Theme Song

   I was musing on the tendency of Disney parents to inevitably die and decided to write a parody about it. I wrote it to the tune of The Monkees Theme Song. If you're not familiar with it, I've provided it down below. What do you think of this parody? Tell me in the comments!

Here we come

Onto your TV

We get these suspicious looks from

Ev’ryone we meet

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

Nobody ever is safe, ‘cause

They’re Disney parents, too

You don’t have time to get ‘ttached, ‘fore

They’re also dying, too

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

We never are diff’rent

We never ever stick around

We’ve scarred all generations

From Bambi all the way down

Any time

Or anywhere

If it’s a Disney movie

We will be dying there!

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

Hey, we’re Disney parents

We’re parents and we’re gonna die

We’re too busy dyin’

And makin’ ev’rybody cry

We never are diff’rent

We never ever stick around

We’ve scarred all generations

From Bambi all the way down

Hey, we’re Disney parents

Hey, we’re Disney parents