Midnight's Curse is Here!!!

Welcome to the blog tour for Midnight's Curse, book two in the Beyond the Tales series by Tricia Mingerink. Beyond the Tales is a series of fairy tale retellings with hints of allegorical elements set in a world based on the Appalachian Mountains. Don't miss the giveaway at the end of this blog post nor the invite to the Facebook party for more giveaways!

About the Book

   The glass slippers might be her dreams come true...or her worst nightmare. 

   High King Alexander rules the Seven Kingdoms of Tallahatchia—a divided nation on the brink of yet another war. When an invitation arrives from the king of Pohatomie, Alex knows it must be a trap, but could it also be his opportunity to unite the kingdoms? 

   Daemyn Rand has lived a hundred years, served an arrogant prince, fallen in love with a princess, and lost himself somewhere along the way. He has already died for his loyalty. Will standing at the high king’s side cost him his last chance to truly live? 

   Elara Ashen is a lowly, miserable servant. All she wants is to spend even one night in a fancy dress dancing with the high king. When she is offered a pair of glass slippers, it seems that all her dreams have come true. 

   But dreams have a price, and gifts can be curses in disguise. What will it cost to stop this curse from tearing Tallahatchia apart yet again? 

   Fairy tales meet the Appalachian Mountains in this adventurous fantasy retelling of the classic Cinderella story.

Add to Goodreads - Buy on Amazon

My Review

Probable spoilery, sorry, I'm too emotional about this book to keep it all in.

   This book wins the prize of the first book to genuinely make me cry. Plenty of books have made me tear up, especially ones I read when I'm hormonal, but this one genuinely made me cry! Nobody died either, that I can remember. Alex was just so lonely! It was awful. This whole mess could have been avoided if anybody around him had reached out and been his friend. For Pete's sake, he's just slept through a hundred years and lost almost everyone he ever knew, not to mention he's just had his heart broken by a women that wasn't good enough for him (yeah, that was technically a hundred years ago, but still). Surely somebody should have realized how much he was hurting, but no, the only person in his life in a real position to see his pain, Daemyn, was too afraid of what their relationship used to be like to be the bigger person and reach out to Alex. Poor Alex suffered because of it.

   Daemyn has grown on me from the first book when I didn't like him because he destroyed my ship, but gosh. Why did it take him an entire book for him to realize he needed to be a friend to Alex? The poor guy's never actually had a friend before. What makes Daemyn think Alex is going to know how to reach out in friendship to the people around him? And Zeke certainly didn't help with his "Feels just like old times. Well, almost," as they all sat around the campfire, then his pointed look at Alex. Way to make a guy feel welcome.

   I can really see the Merlin parallels. Alex and Daemyn's relationship is like Arthur and Merlin in season one, if Merlin had ever accepted the quiet servant role instead of constantly mouthing off to Arthur. Merlin certainly never struggled with his role quite like Daemyn does. And Alex, poor Alex reminds me so much of Arthur, especially with his seeming propensity to be enchanted. The scene with the fountain was definitely something that could have happened in Merlin. Daemyn and Rosanna is like if the Merthian (Merlin/Mithian) ship had ever sailed. We just need to find a nice servant girl for Alex.

   I admit, I did ship the wrong ship a little bit again, but in the end, I'm glad. Alex deserves a better girl than Elara. Sheesh. It shouldn't be that hard of a decision not to curse someone forever.

   Even though Alex's loneliness drove me to tears, it did lead him to learn an important lesson that relieves me a lot. And the people around him finally realized he needed friends and didn't know how to get them. So there's a happy ending, at least. And now I want the next book, provided it has Alex in it. I ship Alex/happiness, after all. Dude needs a happy ending. After all, he's the Once and Future King of Native American fantasy Albion. He needs his Guinevere, now that he's got his Merlin to keep him on the straight and narrow.

The first book in the series Dagger's Sleep, a Sleeping Beauty retelling where the prince is cursed to sleep and the princess must wake him, is on sale for $.99 on Kindle! Follow this link to snag this deal while it lasts!

About the Author

Tricia Mingerink is a twenty-something, book-loving, horse-riding country girl. She lives in Michigan with her family and their pack of pets. When she isn't writing, she can be found pursuing backwoods adventures across the country. You can connect with Tricia on her blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Facebook Party!

The Facebook party should be a blast with giveaways of Midnight's Curse, Dagger's Sleep, and over ten other Cinderella retellings by indie authors! Follow this link to join the Facebook party.

Giveaway!

Enter to win signed copies of Dagger's Sleep and Midnight's Curse (it will be the actual copy, not a proof copy as shown) as well as a Currently Reading 4oz candle from Novelly Yours Candles. Due to shipping, the giveaway is open to the US only. Void where prohibited.

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Blog Tour Schedule

Monday – August 5

• The Florid Sword – Author Interview & Book Review
• Scribeheart – Author Interview

Tuesday – August 6 – Release Day!

• The Music of a Story – Book Review
• Jaye L. Knight – Author Interview
• Perfectly Quirky in Every Way – Book Review

Wednesday – August 7

• Liv K. Fisher – Author Interview
• Blooming with Books – Author Interview & Book Review
• TJ’s Musing – Book Review

Thursday – August 8

• Imperial Scribis – Author Interview
• Dream Write Now – Author Interview & Book Review
• Morgan Huneke – Author Interview

Friday – August 9

• The Page Dreamer – Book Spotlight
• Elizabeth Koetsier – Book Spotlight
• Brie Donning – Book Review
• Facebook Party 8-10PM EST

Saturday – August 10

• Novels, Dragons, and Wardrobe Doors – Book Review
• M.H. Elrich – Book Review

America, Spread Your Golden Wings...

   Once upon a time, there was a massive empire. They had just fought a hard war against one of their greatest enemies with the extensive help of thirteen of their most loyal colonies. The people in these colonies had bled and died, as they had been on the front lines of much of the war's fighting. When the time came to pay for the war, the legislatures of these colonies were ready to write laws on new taxes as soon as the crown asked them to. After all, they were English citizens, and all taxes on them had to be levied by their representative body, as guaranteed by the Magna Charta and the English Bill of Rights. They were ready and willing to pony up according to well-established laws and traditions. Whenever the king wanted to levy a new tax on the colonies, he asked the colonial legislatures to pass one, and they always complied.

   However, the king did not ask the colonial legislatures to levy a tax. Instead, the English Parliament voted on a tax on the American colonies. This angered the colonists. They had no representatives in the English Parliament. Furthermore, it would be incredibly impractical to ever have American representatives in the English Parliament, as London is so far from the shores of the New World. Parliament had no power to levy taxes on them. Since Parliament had no power to levy taxes on the thirteen colonies, the "taxes" were not obligatory or legally binding. So, the colonists simply refused to pay them, sending advocates all the while to England to remind them that the English Parliament had no power over them.

   Parliament, however, thought their overseas subjects were nuts. The colonists weren't English citizens, but a second class of subjects in thralldoms, and of course they had the power to levy taxes on them. A few MPs were on the side of the colonists, but they were outshouted and outvoted. More and more taxes were levied on the thirteen colonies.

   The colonists took more and more drastic action to avoid or outright refuse the taxes. They were English citizens, after all, and from the time of King John to the Glorious Revolution, they were never ones to surrender their freedoms quietly. Even more, they had lived for several generations in a harsh wilderness, alone except for their God and their ingenuity. After years of independence and self-reliance, they weren't going to bow down now. When the Stamp Act was passed, colonists burned anything with the king's stamp on it. Parliament repealed it, but in their repeal stated that they had full power to do whatever they wanted to the colonies.

   Parliament had gone too far. All they had had to do was ask them to tax themselves and they would have done it. This posturing was absolutely ridiculous. Whisperings of war and even more drastic action were being passed around in the most radical circles. And when British soldiers were sent to Boston to try and enforce the supposed laws, the angry colonists started drilling in militias from snowy Massachusetts and New Hampshire to humid Georgia.

   A radical group went a little too far protesting the tea tax. All the colonies thought it might be a good idea to pay reparations for the thousands of pounds in damage. However, the furious British Parliament decided to shut down the colony in which the offense was committed, shut down their largest source of revenue, and starve the inhabitants to make them suffer.

   The colonies arose in outrage. They banded together to help their sister colony in her time of need, holding hands and becoming one for the first time ever. Even more people joined the militia. The British Army attempted to shut down colonial legislatures. They completely ignored them, instead meeting in local taverns. The colonies skirted the army and ignored Parliament, hoping the king would see the oppression and stand against the illegality. Offense after offense by Parliament and the army piled up. Until one day, it all became too much. The fatal straw had come.

   General Gage sent his troops to destroy the store of ammunition and gunpowder in Concord, Massachusetts. The local militia got wind of the plan and stood in their way with their guns, hoping to deter them without firing. But British soldiers got too eager and charged the men at Lexington. Somebody fired, then everybody fired, and eight men died. The militia swore they hadn't begun the fight, but they would finish it. They couldn't stop the British from their mission, but they hid behind fences, trees, and barns, shooting at the soldiers until they were terrified and running for Boston. For a year, they fought hard, losing battles with an army they refused to call the King's Army, for surely the king they had been loyal to for so long couldn't condone this.

   The colonial legislatures the army had tried to disband voted to send representatives to a congress of all the colonies, the First Continental Congress. This congress sent pleas to the king in hopes that this war could be ended when it had barely begun, in hopes that only Parliament was the problem. Their hopes were dashed in the spring of 1776. The colonists were forced to acknowledge the fact that King George III was behind all the machinations and oppression of Parliament.

   This knowledge rocked the colonies. In the spring of '76, spurred on by this knowledge, a new identity began to emerge. The colonists were seeing themselves not as British, but as Americans. And an idea that had been tossed around for a while by the Continental Army's new commander-in-chief began to be talked about by everyone.

   Through prayer and a miracle, on July 2, 1776, the Second Continental Congress formed the United States of America, the thirteen colonies collectively declaring independence from Great Britain. On July 4, they told the world exactly why.

   The war had just begun. Five long years of hard fighting followed. Without prayer and praise and the Hand of God, the Revolutionary War would not have been won. After another two years of sporadic fighting and tense negotiation, a treaty was signed between the United States of America and Great Britain, ending the war.

   And the rest? Well, it's history.

   

   Happy Independence Day, fellow defiant rebels! Today, let's celebrate our amazing country and her glorious birth. Remember, rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God. Let freedom ring!

New Time Captives Covers!

   Today's the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are getting out of... *gasp* The tank is clean! (#sorrynotsorry)

This isn't the right fish (and sea stars aren't fish), but anyway

   (You didn't think you'd get the covers that easily, now did you?)

   My sister has new covers for her Time Captives trilogy and they're super awesome!!! Here they are!!!

   Nope.

   Okay, I'll stop playing around, here they actually are:

For giveaways, purchase links, and more, visit www.morganhuneke.blogspot.com!

https://morganhuneke.blogspot.com/2019/05/the-new-covers-for-time-captives-are.html

   “No one can mysteriously disappear leaving no trace. It isn’t realistic.”

   “You’re right, Emily,” her grandfather said thoughtfully. “It isn’t realistic. However, a good many things happen in this world that are not realistic, things supernatural.”

   Emily, Allan, Jill, Joey, and Anna have grown up on their grandfather’s tales of ancestors who mysteriously disappeared from Creighton Hill, the plantation home that has been in their family for centuries. When Grampa’s death forces them to move into Creighton Hill, the truth about the supposed disappearances is the first thing on their minds. Allan, Jill, Joey, and Anna’s, that is. As for Emily, why must they keep at their supernatural hogwash?

   Could it be that their family really does just have an unusual history of early deaths? Most people seem to think so. But Grampa’s research has uncovered something different.

   When mysterious writing matching descriptions found in ancient accounts begins appearing to the children, they know something’s up. They must find out what really happened to their ancestors, and work together to discover the reason behind the mysterious writings.

   Creighton Hill is the first book of the Time Captives trilogy, a tale of faith, family, fantasy, and a fight for truth and freedom.

Buy now!

   “M’lady, it has been fairly well confirmed that the Redona was hidden away by the merfolk at the conclusion of the Great War instead of destroyed as was commanded. My brother has confirmed to me Joseph’s belief that it was concealed at the Crossways.”

   Toarna pressed her fingertips together in thought. “It must be recovered and destroyed as was at first intended.”

   Emily, Allan, Jill, and Joey have been reunited with their long lost ancestors. But with that reunion comes the true beginning of their quest: free the rightful king of Calhortz so that he may be restored to his throne. The Redona, the only object that can free him from his long imprisonment, is rumored to be concealed in The Crossways, a mountain across the sea which cannot be entered.

   A slave since birth, Adriel’s resentment and hatred towards the strytes only grows as his family is continually ripped from him. He longs for the freedom the Time Captives are prophesied to bring, but he doubts their existence, just as he doubts God’s love. Circumstances in Calhortz are so dire. How could they ever improve?

   Who can enter The Crossways? Will the king ever be freed? Or will the slaves of Calhortz lose all hope of freedom before it is even offered to them?

   The Crossways is the second book of the Time Captives trilogy, a tale of faith, family, fantasy, and a fight for truth and freedom.

Buy now!

   God, please look after Adriel. Keep him safe and keep him from acting foolish. And please help him to be able to find me. Rae knew she could trust God to look after both of them. It was all she had now.

   The Time Captives have been reunited. The rightful king has been freed. Now all that remains is to defeat the strytes who still hold a tyrannical rule over the people of Calhortz. But with their lack of soldiers, it’s a task that is easier said than done. They need allies, but are they worth it when it requires facing ghosts from their pasts?

   Returning to his home country only brings the loss of Adriel’s family to the forefront of his mind. His determination to find Rae has never ceased, but now that determination could potentially destroy all that he and the Time Captives have been working towards. And his new-found faith may not be able to withstand the challenge.

   Will they be able to set aside their personal struggles for the sake of the freedom of all or will they allow their pasts to consume them? Will they manage to win back Crannig Castle from the rule of the strytes? The fate of Calhortz hangs in the balance.

   Crannig Castle is the final book of the Time Captives trilogy, a tale of faith, family, fantasy, and a fight for truth and freedom.

Buy now!

Giveaway

Morgan will be giving away a complete set of brand new Time Captives books! Be sure to enter! Giveaway open to U.S. residents only.

Rafflecopter code:

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Rafflecopter link: http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/63d9bc8b9/

Midnight's Curse Cover Reveal

 Today we have the cover reveal for Midnight's Curse, book two in the Beyond the Tales series by Tricia Mingerink. The Beyond the Tales is a series of fairy tale retellings set in a world of curses and gifts and an Appalachian Mountain-like setting.

Midnight's Curse releases August 6, 2019!

Scroll down to see the cover
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Isn't it stunning? The cover was designed by Savannah Jezowski at Dragonpen Designs. You can find more examples of her work here.

About the book:

   High King Alexander rules the Seven Kingdoms of Tallahatchia—a divided nation on the brink of yet another war. When an invitation arrives from the king of Pohatomie, Alex knows it must be a trap, but could it also be his opportunity to unite the kingdoms? 

   Daemyn Rand has lived a hundred years, served an arrogant prince, fallen in love with a princess, and lost himself somewhere along the way. He has already died for his loyalty. Will he have to sacrifice his last chance to truly live? 

   Elara Ashen is a lowly, miserable servant. All she wants is to spend one night in a fancy dress, dancing with the high king. When she is offered a pair of glass slippers, it seems all her dreams have come true. 

   But dreams have a price, and gifts can be curses in disguise. What will it cost to stop this curse from tearing Tallahatchia apart yet again? Fairy tales meet the Appalachian Mountains in this adventurous fantasy retelling of the classic Cinderella story.

Preorder the Kindle on Amazon.

Add to Goodreads.

About the author:

Tricia Mingerink is the author of the bestselling The Blades of Acktar series and the Beyond the Tales series. She lives in Michigan with her family and their pack of pets. When she isn't writing, she can be found pursuing backwoods adventures across the country. You can connect with Tricia on her blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram To celebrate the cover reveal, Dagger's Sleep, a Sleeping Beauty retelling and book one in the series, is on sale in Kindle for $.99 this weekend! Click here to purchase on Amazon.

Giveaway!

To celebrate even more, there's a giveaway for a paperback copy of Dagger's Sleep and a 2oz Plot Twist candle by Novelly Yours Candles. To enter, share the above sale graphic for Dagger's Sleep, the cover for Midnight's Curse, or the below Midnight's Curse promo graphic and make sure you use hashtag #MidnightsCurse and tag @triciamingerink on any social media site to enter. The giveaway will end May 22 at midnight. Please note this giveaway is only open in the United States. It is not sponsored by Novelly Yours Candles.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man...

   Because after Endgame, that's pretty much the only thing on my mind. I can't wait until Far From Home comes out.

   Prepare for fangirling. You've been warned...

   I watched Spider-Man for the first time when I was really young, in 2006, or about there. I don't think I saw the whole thing, but I really liked it, even though I was firmly against anything I considered a "boy movie", only because my oldest sister hated boys and "boy movies", and as the youngest I naturally followed in her footsteps (it didn't last; Star Wars and The Incredible Hulk TV show boosted all of us out of the "no boy stuff" phase forever). My dad turned it on one day, my sister and I watched at least some of it, and we loved it. I somehow missed the whole "genetically engineered spider" (a la Tobey Maguire version), and thought the idea of getting spider powers from an ordinary spider bite was ridiculous, but fell in love nonetheless.

   Fast forward to us getting Netflix (2009 to 2011ish). Not long after we got the streaming service, we watched Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 (Spider-Man 3 was, sadly, not available for streaming). And I loved it. The quintessential superhero movie, basically. I don't care how predictable it is. That's my Spidey you're watching right there.

   And then 2012 hit. And all the The Amazing Spider-Man commercials dropped. They showed his face in the commercials and I was lowkey furious. That was not my Spidey. They already had a Spidey and he was a pretty new Spidey, too. There was no reason to reboot a franchise that had just come out. (It had only been five years since Spider-Man 3!) Thankfully, most of the world agreed with me, though I didn't know it at the time. Even Andrew Garfield said making the movies "broke his heart", because they were nothing like his dreams of being Spider-Man were. I resolved to myself never to watch the movie (or its subsequent sequel) if I could help it.

   Eventually, we found Spider-Man 3 somewhere really cheap, so my family bought it for me and we watched it. One of my sisters absolutely hated it, but I still loved it. It's not quite as good as the first two, but still really good.

   Right around that time, I met someone who really liked the Amazing Spider-Man movies, and, while she is my friend, I just don't understand it. Because of her, I decided to finally watch The Amazing Spider-Man one Sunday when I was sick and it was on TV. And let me tell you (sorry, Danielle), WHAT THE J JONAH JAMESON. I mean, Peter Parker, uber-nerd, certified loser, and possessor of the Parker LuckTM , should not be skateboarding down school hallways. Losers don't skateboard down school hallways. Also, Andrew Garfield is not small enough to be Peter Parker. He doesn't look like a loser, he looks like a cool kid. His version of Peter Parker is not sweet, but instead, arrogant, rude, cocky, and a certified stalker (who the heck has a picture of the girl they don't even talk to as their LAPTOP BACKGROUND???). And you could sneeze at all of his nerdiness. Tobey Maguire's Peter is sweet and supportive, even if a little self-absorbed at times. Okay, angry rant over.

   Then the Marvel craziness won out over the rest of the entertainment world, and Sony finally agreed to let the most popular Marvel superhero join the MCU. The Marvel overlords decided not to rehash the Spider-Man origin story again, and so, when my sisters and I went to see Captain America: Civil War in theaters, we were treated to our first glimpse of the new and improved Spider-ManTM . 

Via Pinterest

   I walked out and said, "I think I like him better than the Tobey Maguire version."

   Okay, first of all, he actually looks fourteen! You look at him and you really think he could be in high school. A++ casting just on that aspect. And second, they nailed him as a nerd and certified fanboy like no one else did. The other Spider-Mans were just really smart, but this one is so relatable nerdy. 

   And then he died and my heart did too.

   Ugh, the new Spider-Man movie was just so good! (See me fangirling more about it here.) Even Flash Thompson was a cool and refreshing take on the character. I was so excited for Infinity War and then at the end he turned into dust and do you know how traumatizing it is to see your childhood hero die before your very eyes? 

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   Yeah... Waiting for Endgame was agonizing, even though I knew Spidey had to come back because of the sequel. And I saw it recently and

Do Not Read Any Further Or Risk Endgame Spoilers

   oh my word. The fact that we aren't going to get any more Iron Dad and Spider Son? I live for Iron Dad and Spider Son! How is Peter going to cope without Tony Stark? He already lost two father figures and now he's lost another, probably forever? I'm gonna cry, guys, because it's just not fair. Peter saying hi to Tony was great, and then he said, "Mr. Stark, we won, Mr. Stark, we won, I'm sorry, Tony." And I'm just over here crying, don't pay any attention to me. The whole reason Tony decided to help the Avengers bring the Vanished back was because he saw a picture of him with Peter and realized he couldn't not help bring his son back and Tony died because of it and no I'm not okay!

Okay, you can read again, no more Endgame

   I also started reading the comics recently and they're as good as I thought they'd be. A lot like the MCU in that literally everything is connected. Peter Parker's parents were double agents in HYDRA and Red Skull ordered them assassinated by the Finisher when he found out they were undercover for the CIA and Daredevil helped Spider-Man when he was temporarily blinded by a bad guy and Tony Stark designed special glass and knock-out gas for the NYC police that helped them keep Maggia members from escaping after capture by Spider-Man. There was an issue where Pietro and Wanda Maximoff came to NYC and Pietro tried to capture Spidey because he thought he was a bad guy and thought capturing a bad guy would help alleviate some of the bad press on Pietro and Wanda. My hands down favorite story, though, was when Peter got the flu, and he didn't realize he could still get sick because he was Spider-Man, and so he thought he was losing his Spider powers, and so he told all of his friends he was Spider-Man (and I mean ALL of his friends, Harry, MJ, Gwen, Flash, everyone), and then he went to the doctor and found out he just had the flu and had to ask a boy whose life he had saved to wear his costume so he could convince his friends he was just delirious and he wasn't really Spider-Man. Classic Parker Luck right there. And now I want more and I'm not sure I have access to any more.

   To finish off, I will leave you with some Iron Dad and Spider Son, because this is SPOILERS all we're gonna get now. END SPOILERS

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Who's your favorite superhero? Did Batman die in Infinity War? TELL ME I NEED ANSWERS!!!

Ode to Spring

The cold of winter days is past

The warmth of spring has come at last

With endless sheets of driving rain

Spring has traveled south again.

I watch temperatures rise with dread,

Pain now pounding in my head.

Still winter yet, calendars say,

Yet pollen counts debuted today.

The shortest month, the longest weeks,

Though branches bare, the stuffed nose speaks.

All senses say spring is not here,

But pollen makes the issue clear.

Flowers spring up all around,

Farmers note with trepidation.

Stomach aches, sneezes abound,

Time to buy the medication.

White petals fly throughout the air

Pleasing all the brides

Not so wonderful to bear

Are runny, weepy eyes.

One medication doesn't work,

Must resort to two.

Three would be still better yet,

But now I have the flu.

Thunderstorms sweep through and bring

Yet more winter weather

Still pollen counts make all folks wish

We'd all flown north together.

The northern states rejoice and sing.

At last, they cry out, this is spring!

The Southerners watch in disdain

As pollen falls like summer rain.

At last, relief is on its way,

Since finally, the month is May.

The heat comes soon with blazing madness

When flowers die with tears and gladness.

Regretfully, spring is no more,

The flowers gone from every door.

Yet, happiness spreads 'midst the pain:

Now, with the heat, we breathe again.

Books I Wish I Hadn't Read

   It's been too long since I wrote a blog post. It's not been a great year and I'm not in a great mood (probably because pollen is stupidly high again #ihatespring), so why not write about all the books I loathe?

The Insider by Ridley Pearson

   I read the entire series, even fighting the dragging plot at times, waiting for the conclusion, and when I get to it, I'm confronted with this. First of all, who the heck crowd-writes a book? Crowd-funding I get, but crowd-writing? The author literally published his outline on the internet and had other people write it for him. In the places where he just copied and pasted the internet peoples' writing into the book (and it happened quite a bit), he credited them by putting their name down at the bottom of the page (which was incredibly distracting). It didn't help that the sentences were choppy and didn't fit together very well. He also randomly switched to present tense for this book, when all the rest of the books in this seven-book series were written in past tense. The plot was awkward, contrived, and unrealistic. There was a random maybe-betrayal by a very important character that was never explained at all. The characters were cardboard and, though the series spanned five or more years, they never changed. At the beginning of the series, the main character started a will-they-won't-they relationship, and after five years, he's still acting like a boy in the middle of puberty trying to ask his first crush out on a date. And he's been in a steady relationship with the same girl for FIVE STINKING YEARS. The all-anticipated event of the story was the appearance of Mickey Mouse, and even though literally every other Disney character the kids have encountered so far can talk, Mickey can't. Some all-powerful king-of-the-characters he was. What a humongous letdown. And at the end of this stupid book, I was whacked over the head with the "hint" that there was going to be another series, which I personally would rather shoot myself than read.

A Whole New World by Liz Braswell

   If the light-hearted fun adventure is what you love about Disney's Aladdin most, then this book is your worst nightmare. The first fourth of the book rehashes the movie while constantly changing little details for no good reason. Then, when it finally gets to the twist, it quickly takes a dive into the ridiculously dark. Right off the bat, Jafar murders the sultan, then cuts up the magic carpet, creates a zombie army, destroys Agrabah, tortures the genie and countless random citizens, and strips the genie of all his magical powers turning him human so none of this can be put right again. And at the end Jafar turns out to be crazy and talking to an imaginary Iago because he apparently murdered the real one so he could have a tiny glimpse into the future that didn't seem to affect the story any. The other characters aren't anything like they were in the movie, either. I'm not sure if Aladdin lies even once, and in this version of the story, he directly causes the death of a cop friend (he's a street rat, he shouldn't have a cop friend) by knocking a pillar onto him, which crushes him. #lightheartedfamilyfun Jafar is a psychotic murderer, Jasmine is a revolutionary (???), and, apparently, Aladdin's dad ran off and left him. This is an adaptation of a Disney movie for crying out loud. He's supposed to be dead! They're always dead! Ugh. Some of the Twisted Tales are good, but not this one.

Walden by Henry David Thoreau

   I bet you didn't know that sunlight reflects off water. Henry David Thoreau did, which is why he's better than you.
   Thoreau is ridiculously contradictory ("People should never cut down trees!" Borrowed an ax from his neighbor so he could cut down trees around his pond. "Trains are awful and noisy and loud and I hate them!" Can't be bothered to move further into the wilderness to where he won't be able to hear the trains anymore. "People should do whatever I want, you shouldn't just emulate what I'm doing, but if you're not doing what I am, you're stupid."). He's also weird. Who loves wasps? They are not a thing to be invited into bed with you! Also, he never locks his door so people can come in and stay whenever, and condemns any who do, defending his decision with "I only got stolen from once!" You may like to get stolen from, but I, good sir, do not. When there were several feet of snow on the ground and impending snowstorms, Thoreau tramped ten miles through the woods on snowshoes to visit his favorite trees. He's also incredibly boring. Nobody cares that he spent 8.74 on groceries for eight months. Or how much he spent on bricks. He certainly doesn't need to defend his spending a bunch on watermelons. He doesn't need to tell everyone that sunlight reflects off water like it's new information to us, or describe in detail his lengthy day hoeing beans. Frankly, no one really cares. And he's arrogant. He assumes that unless the reader is told, we're going to think that the Cicero that built a fence near Walden Pond is the same Cicero as the Roman philosopher that lived before Christ. And he assumes that anyone who is poor has committed crimes. This is a stupid, boring, pointless book that I hope never to read again.

Eldest by Christopher Paolini

   I had heard the name Eragon for a while, so I finally decided to read the series. MISTAKE. I wasted countless hours of my life reading this stupid series. Unfortunately, I rarely drop series, so I didn't drop this one. I wish I had. Eragon was like a Lord-of-the-Rings version of Star Wars, and this was like The Empire Strikes Back, except without all the excitement, and with an addition of a fun murderer as a side character. This book drags on and on and on. The whole point of the book is for Eragon to train with the elves so he can defeat the not-actually-evil government, but it takes hundreds of agonizingly slow pages for him to actually get there! And once he does, the training is agonizingly long and boring too. Also peppered with philosophical musings on any subject under the sun, like how all enlightened people (read: elves) are atheists, and how evil it is for Eragon to eat meat because he's *gasp* telepathic! There is one long section devoted to Eragon watching ants (smacks of Walden, methinks). The only kind of exciting parts are the parts with Eragon's cousin Roran, who almost gets his entire town murdered because he won't tell the police any information about his criminal cousin who stole a dragon egg (like, he's a legitimate thief). Then Roran decides to go on a murderous rampage (I wish I was exaggerating), slaughtering anybody who come in his way. He even counts his kills. Eragon spends the entire book whining about his random on-and-off agonizing back pain (which implausibly came from a sword wound to his back) and Arwen-I mean Arya's rejection of him. Yeah, cry me a river, Eragon. She made it clear from the moment she met you she wasn't interested. Finally, Eragon gets magically transformed into an elf, which gets rid of all his scars and also his chronic back pain. How does this happen, you may ask? Two identical twin elf girls strip and stand naked back to back and jiggle so the tattoo on their back can come to life and release the spirit of the dragon. I want to die right now. I actually own this book and I seriously want to burn it.

Brisinger by Christopher Paolini

   I was stupid enough to keep reading this series. As I said, I rarely drop series. Thankfully, there are no more naked elves in this book. Unfortunately, there's plenty of other awful things to make up for it. For instance, Eragon kills an animal to eat and feels so sorry for it because he's telepathic, so he decides to become vegetarian (although that could have happened in the last book; after all this time they blend together). Also, Eragon turns out to be super violent and even lets himself be possessed by a demon at one point so he can use more magic. He spends waaaaay too long making a magic sword, and every inch of the way is described in excruciating detail. Also, Paolini decided he was tired of being accused of writing Star Wars and decided that Luke Skywalker (I mean Eragon) wasn't actually the son of Darth Vader (I honestly can't remember the guy's name at this point). Instead, Obi-Wan was his father. Which makes no sense and is full of plot holes, but anyway. Roran, the violent cousin of Eragon, has apparently been sleeping with his girlfriend this entire time because "he might as well take liberties with her" since she's afraid of him doing that anyway and now she's pregnant. So Eragon performs a rushed marriage for Roran and his stupid girlfriend and Eragon is just wildly excited about the whole thing. Then the fun zombie army shows up. The metaphors and dialogue are ridiculous (the book actually has the dialogue "Die, puny humans!"), the exposition is everywhere, the book is super bloated, and the magic system is stupid at best. There's apparently this Ancient Language (which the elves speak in all the time) that is magic and shapes the world and if you say fire in it you get fire, and if you get pronunciations wrong, you might accidentally curse a baby to grow up fast and have powers instead of blessing it. Yeah. Also, it was ridiculously gory (partially because of the zombie army) and this might have been the one in which there was a bizarre cult in which the people constantly hacked off their limbs to show their devotion for their god. Are you grossed out? Because I'm grossed out. Also, Eragon is a self-righteous jerk. Just sayin'.

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

   And enter the infamous fingernails. What am I talking about, you may ask? I am talking about the three LOOOOONG pages of description of a man's fingernails in excruciating detail. And the worst part of it? You don't even find out the character's name. This is in the completely irrelevant side plot of a minor character being tortured. Why she was fascinated with the man's fingernails is beyond me. But the fingernails come back. Every time the man is in her torture chamber, the stupid fingernails take center stage. How could they not when they've been described so thoroughly?
   If you can't tell, this book is just as bloated as the others. Eragon learns to manipulate reality with his magic Ancient Language (and still can't win the granite cliff of a girl he still hasn't stopped pining over), manipulates the emotions of a little girl, kills the bad guy with sadness, and finds some dragon eggs. There are also copious amounts of pages describing a former dragon's struggle coming to terms with his new life as an inanimate object. But as a plus, this book meant the end of the series (I hope).

Unwind by Neal Shusterman

   This book makes me want to puke. It was so so horrible. It was freaky and creepy and horrifying and it probably scarred me for life. It's not even remotely plausible, and yet... I'm getting shivers down my spine just thinking about it. The premise is that after a huge civil war in America over abortion, the two sides settled on a "compromise" in which abortion is illegal but 13- to 18-year-olds can be "unwound" (read: murdered), and then everything in their body is used as organ donation for somebody else. And apparently this appeased everybody. The guy wrote this book to make everyone think abortion is awful (which it is), but there's no way this book accomplishes that. Abortion is illegal in the world of this book, and no one even thinks about having one. Issues actually addressed in this book are: organ donation, suicide bombers, caffeine addiction, and (apparently) Frankenstein. He creates a straw man to destroy in this book in hopes it will make pro-choice people feel guilty. Nobody would ever agree to the "compromise" at the end of this war he talks about! Pro-life people like me see all life as sacred and would never agree to killing teenagers as an alternative to killing unborn babies. Pro-choice people would never agree to this as an alternative to abortions (what exactly is the point of killing the child after you've spent thirteen years raising them?). That doesn't fit with the beliefs of anyone on either side and therefore can't be a compromise. Also, the science is so false you couldn't sneeze at it. You expect me to believe you can just put a piece of someone's brain in someone else's brain and expect it to work? That there won't be compatibility issues? That psychologists and psychiatrists and brain surgeons didn't go, "This could be catastrophic for the mental health of patients with brain damage"? And the religious parts are even more disturbing. A debate throughout the entire book is whether "unwinding" (killing a kid and harvesting their entire body for parts) is death. Apparently, the consensus the author came to is "No," because at the end of the book, there's a whole collection of people who got a body part from this one kid in a room, and every single one of them is talking so that it's one monologue like the dead kid is talking and they actually remember memories of the dead kid's life. As if you get a kidney or a lung from a man and you suddenly share his soul. The entire book is just sick and wrong, and seems to be simultaneously scaring people away from organ donation and making them feel guilty for not being organ donors because "if more people had been organ donors, this never would have happened." There are other weird bits as well, like the fact that caffeine is considered a drug on the level of cocaine and is banned (say bye bye to chocolate). And "clapping", where people get their bodies filled with an explosive substance, go to a random place, clap their hands, and blow up. It's a weird form of suicide bombing that's apparently pretty popular, even though it's not religiously or politically motivated, so it's hard to know why anybody actually does it. And storking. Not explaining it because it's just too weird. Also, it's not even well-written. The characters are flat, the emotions are shallow, and the character arc of one kid is kind of unbelievable, probably only because it wasn't shown at all, so he just turns off-screen from a sweet little kid into a suicide bomber. I hate this book so much and it will haunt me forever. Apparently the next book is a ridiculously creepy-sounding Frankenstein retelling. I'd stay far away from this book.

   That was very therapeutic. I feel much better now. What are some books you intensely loath and why? Tell me in the comments!