10 Ways to Draw Permanent Readers to Your Blog

   There's nothing the human mind loves more than lists. We have lists for everything. Book lists, to do lists, character lists...lists of every shape and form. 

   Blog posts are no exception. We love being able to click on a blog post and scroll through, glancing at the numbered ways to make your life better. It saves time and is sleek and convenient. There's no way that you read this far into the introduction. Nobody reads this far into introductions to "# Ways" posts. But this post would look fishy if the introduction was small, even though I as the author have nothing more to say in it.

   I like lemons. Lemons make almost any dish wonderful. Lemony food is tasty and magical and summery. It can make any dish sound fancy as well. Okay, I think this introduction is long enough now.

10. Stay relevant

   People aren't going to read your blog if you're just extolling the merits of the Blackberry. They want to hear about important, current things, like David Hogg and the latest school shooting. Oh, snap. This post is already outdated. Maybe I should have talked about Google not celebrating Easter. Or maybe Earth Day. When is Earth Day, anyway, and does anybody actually care? You know what isn't relevant anymore? Twitter. Do you remember when people actually cared about that? Now all people care about is Instagram and Snapchat. And Facebook. Facebook has been surprisingly long-lasting.

9. Don't be afraid to write about controversial topics

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8. Advertise your blog

   Or don't. Rely on word of mouth and faulty Facebook algorithms to get people to notice you. Sure, you'll get a lot of readers. 47 is a lot. And you'll get lots of action, too, every time your grandma comments to tell you how amazing you are. Your mother will probably comment, too. Don't bother paying for advertisements. Nobody cares about Internet advertisements anyway. They just ignore them. Seriously, when was the last time you looked at an Internet ad before closing it? Never, that's when.

7. Post at the right times

   Do I know what the right times to post are? No. But everyone that talks about posting at the right times seems to know what they're talking about, so I'm going to pretend to know what I'm talking about, too. 12:00 to 12:45 AM is the best time to publish a blog post, because all the people up for their midnight snacks will be on their phones while waiting for their snack to prepare. The second best time is 4:00 to 8:00 PM each night, because readers will be at dinner on their phones reading blog posts. Never post on a Wednesday, because everyone is at Wednesday night church at those times pretending to be pious and they won't see your posts.

6. Post often

   What? No, I have no idea why this is on there. I have no idea what posting more often has to do with drawing readers to your blog. At least your readers will know you're not dead. That's always a plus. This paragraph needs to be longer. Bananas are tasty as well, but they have no juice. Seriously, you never go to the store and find bottles of banana juice. It's a real pity, because I think it would be very delicious. I would buy it.

5. Write posts with memes in them

   It doesn't matter whether the memes have anything to do with the actual post. Put them in anyway.

   People will eat your posts up.

4. Write short posts

   People don't have the time to read really long posts, which is why they prefer posts like this. They can read the headers and skip over the word in between. Nobody will read these words except that guy at the NSA looking over everything you say and do. Hey, NSA guy. Totally never murdered somebody. Nope. (Except in a story...that doesn't count, does it?) Also, I'm free on Friday, so if you want to meet at the coffee shop down the street, I'm single and lonely...

3. Identify your audience

   Hi, Mom!

2. Write grabbing headlines

   Like "These 10 Child Actors Wound Up In Jail. Number 9 Will Shock You" or "Drivers in [insert reader's city] Are Furious About This New Law" or "You've just won 10,000,000 dollars!" I always click on them, don't you?

1. Write "(This Many) Ways" posts

   (This Many) Ways posts are some of the most popular blog posts to read. You're reading this, aren't you? Actually, you probably aren't. Nobody actually goes through and reads the descriptions under the headings. But they will read the headings. And they might follow your blog. Well, most likely not. You never know, though. You might get more readers by writing posts like this.

   You made it to the end. Yay! I barely did. Now share this blog post and laugh at all the people who thinks it's a serious blog post.